August marks the 2nd year since my relationship ended. I say relationship because I havent had a long lasting one since, with the exception of a very messed up situation months ago.
I still dont feel like I have recovered fully from it. I Dont think Ive taken the right steps to get over it, because theres always been someone in my mind. There was only a three month gap where I was truly focused on myself. So I only have myself to blame. Any time ive attempted another relationship, it either backfires or im not capable of it, or I get hurt again. It's like I watch myself get hurt though, knowing fully well im going to get hurt, yet going through it anyway.
I think part of the problem is I never really grasped the finality of the situation.
I put so much into it, and literally took way more than I should have. part of me seriously thought that was it, I was set, but as things began to break down I fought it tooth and nail, stubbornly denying what everyone else saw. I would have taken a bullet for this girl , the problem was that she was the one shooting at me. Things ended very abrubtly , like one day we were together and the next we werent. The thing is that what she used to tell me has stuck with me until this day. My insecurities, what I think about myself, how I act towards others. and I wish I could place why.
The problem lies now where whenever a really good opportunity for something great comes at me, I either shrug it, sabotage it, disbelieve it, or run from it. This is not to give everyone whose done me wrong a free pass, it doesnt help that the few situatiosns I have followed through with have fucked me over. Maybe im just really sensitive, or maybe I just havent faced my feelings that have stuck with me.
I made a conscience decision I need to get out of this house. and I believe it more than ever. I think I need to be able to think for myself , do what I want and establish a base from where to feel confident from.
If you read this blog on a semi constant basis, you must be confused. Sometimes I come off as sarcastic, or just plain dry. Sometimes I attempt humor, and sometimes I write poetry. But underneath it all, this is who I am. A very ,very, mixed up individual who needs to find his place. I just hide it well.
Ah well you think you disguise it well. We all do. I'll let you know that you're not the only one who feels this way, though I'm sure you know that. Sometimes it takes us a lot longer to get over things, longer than we think it should take, but the truth is that it all takes time, and that's unfortunate yet not. I'm not sure if any of this is making sense, but I hope you know you've got a friend in me and can talk to me whenever you want/need.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Megan. You're definitely not alone with these feelings. Eventually you'll become comfortable in your own skin (as much as is possible anyway!!) and screw worrying about all of these insecurities!
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