Reflections in the week

I'm going to try and keep this structured.

Sitting in a cubicle all day helped me realize a lot of things.

I'm a dreamer. I will always be a dreamer. It's never going to change. I tried sometimes to put a splash of realism back in my thought process. it doesn't work. I hate structure, and I hate thoughts of finality, or restrictiveness. I can't stand it. Poetry, music, philosophy, inspiration, motivation, I reign supreme in those area's. And yet I work at a global help desk for the 6th largest company in the world. I am a little irritated that the agency that found the job for me is taking 14 an hour out of my paycheck. but all things considered, where I was two weeks ago. I can now write with a sense of fluidity that was not there before.

So here I go.

my lifestyle is in direct criticism of my thought process. and that needs to change. I live in theory and dreams but I work in concrete code and structure. there is no rhyme or lament to SQL. There is no smile generating in fixing someone's laptop. I work to increase other's productivity.

So then i thought, there's obviously a reason to why this is only a five month contract. There is a lot in my life that happens for a reason. I think I need to take these five months and figure out if this is really what I want. If it isn't then when it ends in late december I will just go back and get my degree in psychology, while working some job. and then transition careers. I'm still young, and honestly if you start thinking time is running out when I'm not even 30 yet, then you've already lost. I still have a lot to offer to the world and up until reality punched me in the face I was completely underachieving.

I also seemingly have ADD with my emotions. They've changed more than...a woman's has? zing..

I want to get out and live. I really do. I am done with the thoughts and transitions that justify why sitting here is a good thing. It's not. I fucking published a book and then sat there. who does that? I get to certain places and then I just stop and I am tired of it. I "almost" have done amazing things. but almost isn't doing it. in fact almost doesn't count at all in the world.

So what's simon going to do!

For starters enjoy the weekend, and think more about this.

I used to write like my thoughts mattered. I would rant and rave and show you all examples why its fruitful and far less dangerous to pursue what you want.

and i still think this way, but just be smart about it. you can dream all you want, you can want all you want, but you need some elbow grease or else it is all for naught. I miss two year old me.. i miss one year old me. I miss three four and five year old me.

more on this later.

It's like 12:12. I wonder why people never created little diddlies for every hour and minute exchange. 11:11..make a wish. make it a good Taking Back Sunday song. But what about 10:10.nothin. it gets the jip.

I have officially decided that I like the weekdays more than the weekend. I know thats silly, but I assure you all I have a good reason.

Yesterday I went to go to Guy's house, and we nerded it up. It was fun. I mean, I think it's been in my life off and on since I was in middle school, and when it wasn't there I missed it. It's also a chance to hang out with some good friends. I really don't think people get together enough, and when they do its to do some trivial stuff or be somewhere just to have some filler people around. You know why 80's teen/early 20's movies are awesome? Because that stuff doesn't happen anymore. Kinda wish it did.

So I go through spurts of really missing you. But I know its not your fault , so I am not like going to say it that much. It echoes my walls and pushes through my thoughts and reverberates through my heart, to the point where just saying it is so redundant unless its backed up by immense action, like saying screw it and driving until I see nowhere but the depths of your shirt while we're embracing. I want more, and i think your voice is going to drive me nuts soon. It's sweet but intelligent. It's witty but insightfu. I want to hear you talking all day, every day. It's like a sweet sin that I keep indulging, knowing with each admission everyone elses voice and everyone elses thoughts become just a little more mundane.


I've picked it back up at the gym. It feels good. No, scratch that, it feels great. It's such a good release and when you have all day to kill it's even better. I almost have all of that simon confidence back that I once had. It's fantastic. Now i just need a couple things. money. and..well what I want.

(completely bareboned and crazy for you)


so I was thinking of taking up some crazy hobby, I don't know what it would be. Obviously my priority right now is to get some contracts going and save but there's gotta be some nuts shit to do when I have free time. I dunno. more on this as it comes to my mind


I have such a vivid memory. I was telling someone about this last night. I still remember the last time I've talked with anyone significant in my life. I still remember the words that were said and the actions that were taken and how it broke down afterwards. And I have to say..its a curse. I still have dreams where I am reliving it, and I completely remember that its the last time im talking to the person and I start ranting and raving to them every little thing I ever wanted to say..but it's never enough time. And I wake up and I'm upset and I think to myself I never want to 'never speak' to anyone significant in my life again...I guess that's an unrealistic dream but ...I just hate it. I don't want to do it anymore. I want friends, I want someone that I can just be with. I want you. Because right now the thought of losing what I have is so upsetting.

I love being barefoot.. It's quite the trip. I think I could probably go the whole summer barefoot if it wasn't for the whole bare feet in public thing can be quite a downer. But hey who knows what laws will occur!

Fustrated.
Fustrated.
Fustrated.

That is how I feel. And I feel like any step towards coming out of fustration results in two stepping backwards. I want something. And I want something else. And it stacks and it stacks and then I am left with this overwhelming pile, a never-ending list. And then there's you. And yeah, I rant for hours about why I feel the way I do. I've complimented every ounce of you and I will continue to do so. I miss you when your not around, and sometimes even when you are around, and I want so badly to fix everything. I want to mend with my hands, and heal more than anyone thinks is possible.

The thing is, I am patient. And I am trying. But sometimes its just so hard. and I'm sorry if I let my fustrations show. but in the end. its worth it and i keep going. and thats where i'll be for now. just waiting for you.

Infinite Cycle

You've never met me,
and I'm sure you will
Somewhere along the dotted line
Like a road without signs
Soon, you could be mine
And we'll get along
And we will fight
And I'll make you laugh
And You'll make me cry
And we'll watch the sun rise on a once lit sky

You've never met me
And I know you will
Somewhere in the distance
where you fell without your wings
That I'd love to re-attach slowly
while kissing your wounds
and healing what once was
and promising what could be
because daring prophecies
are so fun to make true
because your stillframe smile
is a perfect dream made new

You've never met me
and I know just when
when we're at our wits end
and sand all spent
when fustrations leak onto thinly edged paper
and I bleed to make this real
I don't know if you'd understand
just how much you'd make a man..happy
like happy needed improvising
or a new definition termed
or how my voice invades you
like a lullaby made to make you squirm

You're going to meet me
I'm done with guessing
about this bright future
without my angel in my arms
Loss for care with rhymes
just be here in time
we can fight or make love all night
and smash all wrongs till wrong makes right
because i love your stillframe smile
and i love your imaginary kiss
and i love the way i miss you
and i love the way you care
while you gaze at me with perfectionists eyes
designed to soothe my overactive brain
designed to want you like driving me insane
but no matter how much we smile
or how much of you I miss




we haven't met
but just know i'll love you
until we look just like this