Wakeup Call

The transition is hard, im not going to lie. It's wierd talking to someone that you used to flirt with and now only being able to joke around like a buddy. And its not even like the feelings disappeared, their put on hold;frozen. Their reserved for a better time, and a better place , with the same person. I need to grow up. I need to. Thats what it has to be.

I cant afford to stay like I am. You know its wierd I hate being dramatic about stuff, but I think ive earned enough "Drama points" to throw this shit out. And I'm afraid. I'm afraid that one day my bubbles going to pop and reality is going to sink in and im going to sit here and realize finally that, you dont have to see something to know what it is, but to fully understand it is quite another story. You know how wierd it is to discuss a relationship put on hold with someone whom you havent even met yet? I swear to god the people who invented the internet had no idea what kind of shit this would do.

I figured out the amount of minutes I talked; 14,400 minutes over the course of 3 months. in perspective thats about two weeks of straight talking. (thats a lot). Talking to someone that is both so much different than me, and yet so similar. Someone stronger in a lot of ways, except the one way that is required for what we wanted; a relationship. Do I blame them? No. I dont. I sometimes wonder why I want one so much. Why do I? can I even answer that question? The last one left me feeling broken and branded with bitterness that took me about four months to get fully out of me. So why do I still feel encouraged and all gay and optimistic. Why arent I one of the bitter ones yet? Do I just not get it? Is my brain that stubborn? am I that stubborn?

But for all my bitching, and all the complaining I just did, I'd rather be in the friends zone in a thousand ways more than be not in their lives. I would rather be where I am, then someone who gets 40 minutes of her, or only an hour, or only a couple brief fleeting moments. She's someone who everyone should have in their lives, if nothing else, well, then to make things interesting. A smart girl who can drive..jigga wha?. I swore to myself earlier this year that I would never want to be put in the friends zone again, well, I lied.

Theres a thousand good things I can say about this person, probably more if you actually gave me time, a list, some pancakes, a bottle of JD, a few ciggeret.. okay, you get the point. And the bad ones? I think of one and it gets replaced by about ten good things. And then sometimes I cant even think of it. She lied to me and I dont care. I understand it.. somehow. someway. in the back of my mind its justified in such a way that I dont even feel as betrayed as I should. I cant get mad because the last week i've fought and fought and fought and got so in someones face, more than I ever have before, that by the time monday came around, I was out. I was out of steam, I was out of wanting to feel bad things.

What I dont think anyone understands, is that while I might need to get out and have some fun more often, I dont need to meet a whole bunch of girls. And this girl isnt holding me back directly or indirectly, its not like that. Its not like that at all. The best way I can put it is. I want everyone who graces my life to have an impact or have a special place, or have had a role. I want every person whose lips touch mine, to know who just kissed them. To know what that meant for me and because I kissed them that means all the more to both them, and myself. I want it to count. Not because I'm a conservative prude, but because I dont think I'm equipped for anything else. It's not that I havent had any other girls to kiss, its that I dont think any other girls have had a place in my heart , or had a special place with me in some time, and this girl found a way inside me. It takes a lot for a girl to get to that level with me, I mean, theres been four girls I can count that I've felt that way with, and out of those one ive kissed. I want to be a rarity, and I want to be special. and maybe for the first time in a while, because of this girl, I believe that I am.

Feelings right now.. I'm happy. I'm content. I'm anxious to get shit done. I dont want to ever hear 'the best deceptions' by dashboard ever again.

And I'm scared. I'm scared because there is a chance this summer that I might hear something I might not like and freak out. I'm scared because ive never emotionally had to deal with this before. Had to happen sometime right?

I The thing is, that settles me above all else. She doesnt want anything to get in her way. And I cant honestly promise that I wouldnt, at least not now. I cant swear to god cross my heart all that shit that I wouldnt indirectly , even if I pushed her so hard, cause a delay in something because my being around caused a comfort and a slack. She wants to do so much, and she will. she really will. And the fact that I know I wont hinder it is actually a pretty good feeling.

So, whats left to say. The feelings are on hold . its not that we dont like each other, because we do. Were we living in an illusion.. I cant say that. What I feel is real, what she feels is real. and if it wasnt real then this wouldnt have been a big deal in the first place. I genuinely believe that if something is meant to happen, they will happen. there is no doubt in my mind about that. None. Fate might work in really fucked ways, but it never fails to deliver.

We talked tonight. And we talked about how she hopes I am not in a rush to get through the friends time span of our relationship. Its not that I'm in a rush. Its not that I'm anxious to rush through it. I mean in a way itll be just like it always has been ,just without the promises and the flirty talk and all that shit.

So what is it then.
For the last three months I got a glimpse of what it would be like to be with this person. I got their personality, raw and unbridled. I got them. and for once, it wasnt distorted or jaded by their looks, or anything materialistic or the things that fuck shit up. I got who they really were; who not many people get to see. And I can say, without a doubt, that I loved it. I loved every minute of it, because it wasnt someones looks that kept me coming back for more, or some kind of comfort or this that and the other thing, but it was them. Really think about that for a second, for two weeks of straight talking I somehow found something to say to this girl, and it didnt let up. There wasnt a stale moment I can think of, not a one. Talked about everything, maybe too much.but definitely not enough. I didnt even talk that much to ashley and I dated that girl for a year and a half, this girl what ? three months in. So what do I think.
thats gotta be worth somethin. thats got to mean something. if life contains any of what I believe in, if being a romantic means what I think it means, if any of my beliefs are true, then when all is said and done, it will mean something.

What it is?

We're too be continued. In every word that sentence contains, thats what we are. I cant spell out whats going to happen. And at this point, I dont want to. Ive thought too much about the future. I dont want vows of silence. I want to keep talking. A lot. I want "the no seatbelt song" to still remind her of me. But for the first time in months, I want us to be able to smile about it, not sit there in an awkward silence not knowing what to do.

"this is to a girl who got into my head
with all the pretty things she did
hey, you know, you keep me up in bed
this is to a girl who got into my head
with all the fucked up things I did
hey, maybe, baby, you could keep me up in bed
my Konstantine
spin around me like a deam
we played out on this movie screen and i said
did you know i missed you
oh god I miss you"

Life.
3 months of talking. such highs. such lows. amazing. awesome.
1 week without her, putting things in perspective
the rest of our lives to figure this shit out.
"shrugs".

maybe its time I just shut the fuck up. I might have said too much tonight..but then again.. definitely not enough :)

"there will be a hidden message of a boy who likes a girl"

So.

Life is definitely interesting. How fast and drastic some things can change in the course of a week. What I realized is I really do draw other people into my buisness, which is something I need to work on. But as of today, my buisness stays my buisness.

I need to do a lot of work this summer, but more importantly, I want things to happen. I want the summer to end with all the promise of what it started with.

Nothing worth it in life is easy, simple, care free. they say that whatever you want, whatever that one thing is, its outside your comfort zone. I believe that.

So... yeah

So thanks guys for the comments.. really um. didnt help at all?

As it turns out, she had been in NY for quite some time, just didnt tell me. maybe a week, maybe a month, maybe a couple months, I dont know. And you know the wierd part? I dont care. I understand why someone would do that. I genuinely dont care. It does make sense now why she picked fights, it must have been eatin at her the constant lying about being in Florida.

I asked her via voice mail to tell me if theres anything else that she was hiding. Its not like I think everything was a lie now, its just that I want to know the important stuff. We talked almost 24/7, so I really dont think she was seeing someone and not telling me. However, I STILL think the way she reacted on Monday shows me that something else happened. Theres a difference between not wanting to talk to someone, and coming back the next day with a different attitude. I know that I shouldnt be so curious about it but my mind is constantly going to wonder whether or not shit happened. She said that she had done things that I couldnt handle, but honestly lying to me about Florida isnt something major for me. I dunno. I can accept it. I think theres some things that I would have a much bigger problem a bout, and its those things that keep me wondering. She was rather pissed off at all the comments, but didnt confirm or deny them either. Was just pissed about them. I dont know. I think if she came to me tomorrow and explained everything I could forgive her, I just dont think its going to happen.

too little, too late

I feel mentally exhausted... and foolish

What I thought was one situation I think now is quite another, the answers to what I want to know laid out right in front of me. I completely overreacted to something so trivial, and it cost me.

.. I dont care

I dont care what happened on Monday. I know its masochistic to say this, but at this point I would take any reason whatsoever. I just want to be able to talk again.

"yep"

I'm a romantic.

I think people dont really know what that means, beyond the stereotypical "he likes sending flower's and poetry" routine. It's a lot more than that. I act aloof a lot of the time, because thats how I would like life to be. I hate the thought that our existance is really revolved around skyscrapers and paychecks and such man-made worries. I hate that people worry about so much in their life that I view trivial, and I hate even more that most of the things are requirements to survive in our society.

And I would hate to one day wake up to my cubicle job, and realize that everything ive tried to maintain, every notion and every dream, to just disappear. It's funny because what I look for in a relationship isnt what everyone else does. I dont think it's so much that I want something that doesnt exist, it just has to be brought out of a situation. And unfortunately I mix such an innocent want of romance with human emotions, like jealousy, possessiveness; and worry. If you watch "The Notebook", you get a story of true love surviving outside pressures and desires. What you dont see is true love surviving inward desires; cheating, seeing more out of life, and the belief that, and while I dont really understand it, the need to see the world is somehow mixed with being single. Now, as I see it, two people experiencing the same events in life would have twice the amount of emotions and interpretations to share about the same situation, hence giving you more for less, so to speak. I know that not many people think the way I do, even the person im interested in, but its just the way I view things. I believe life is that much better with another person, and a thousand moments with someone, growing with them, understanding them, would give you a lot more life experience than the same thousand moments with different people. Variety is the spice of life, but I really dont think hooking up with Clausto outside the Eifel Tower is that much more invigorating than sharing it with a girlfriend or significant other.

This isnt to say that I want to be with the same person forever and ever until the pearly gates, I do plan on dating different people in my lifetime. But at the same time im never going to cut someone off or end something prematurely because I feel like being premiscous or whatever; its left for fate to decide the ending. Love is such a rarity in this day and age. Too many factors limit it, choke it off, lessen it's significance, and the last thing to cut it off should be the person experiencing it. I do think however that once you get as much as you can out of one person, it is time to move on.

I dont know, I'm sick of a lot of things. For a while I didnt mind it if people spared me the truth in turn of me being hurt. now I just want it, the truth. Full out, harsh or not. I want upfront honesty, in the word's of probably every old actor in a film "I'm getting too old for this Shit". I want reality, but I want to shape things my way. I want to be respected for who I am and what I believe in, and not be treated like someone in a musuem exhibit. I may be a rarity but I'm not going to become extinct anytime soon.

That's kinda it. I dont know what im going to find out tomorrow but one things for sure, im not going to hide from it. Hiding is for pussies, and I really dont want to be one of those now do I.

"Brief insight. and a cookie"

So I think I came to the conclusion today that fighting in a situation can actually be quite healthy. My first and only relationship came with the pretenses that I never wanted to fight, ever. But it was that very same thing that caused so many problems for me by the end. In the situation im in now, i'm almost forced to learn how to argue well, and while it may sound masochistic, I kind of like it. I mean, no one genuinely wants anything fight-free. the fights are what makes things so exciting, its the clashing between personalities that keeps people together. I think im a much stronger person than I have been my entire life, which is a good thing because I don't know if I could handle it otherwise.

In other news. diets on day 5 and working quite well. checked scale, lost some wieght. only 8 pounds actually before im done. seems like a lot to me, but when I watched this show on MTV Real Life :Obesity, it definitely set myself in check. I mean, there are people that have to lose hundreds of pounds, and here im stressing over eight? I guess its to scale, I mean I think the closer you are to achieving what makes you happy, the harder it gets.

This summer has the potential to be quite interesting. Possible dating scenario, definite time with my friends. if I can add in a job and some cash to boot i'll be all set.

Oh , and I think I saved my friendship that was on the rocks. thank god. it was over such trivial stuff.

"well spank my ass and call me charlie"

I found an old poetry book from 3rd grade I did for my glass. This is wierd, especially because I dont even remember writing poetry until High School. Makes me wonder if there are a lot of things I dont even remember.

Day 2 of the shake diet. I dont miss food yet, so that's good. Worked out at 8 Am , came home around 10 and slept until 12. aaah, the summer life. I looked at myself in the mirror and I really think this month routine will really improve myself.

So I'm scrapping my old belief system. Yes Szabo, you get the last laugh. My old one was much too romanticized. too, cliche? and especially too prone for me to get jealous or hurt. I think the one I'm working on slowly will help me. I know you cant exactly swap in or out beliefs, especially core ones, i've taken enough socialogy classes to realize that. But its something that I want to happen, so it will. It's funny, I read my old journal the other day and all it was , was me bitching about shit that bothered me because of said above beliefs. well, no need for that anymore. :)