The transition is hard, im not going to lie. It's wierd talking to someone that you used to flirt with and now only being able to joke around like a buddy. And its not even like the feelings disappeared, their put on hold;frozen. Their reserved for a better time, and a better place , with the same person. I need to grow up. I need to. Thats what it has to be.
I cant afford to stay like I am. You know its wierd I hate being dramatic about stuff, but I think ive earned enough "Drama points" to throw this shit out. And I'm afraid. I'm afraid that one day my bubbles going to pop and reality is going to sink in and im going to sit here and realize finally that, you dont have to see something to know what it is, but to fully understand it is quite another story. You know how wierd it is to discuss a relationship put on hold with someone whom you havent even met yet? I swear to god the people who invented the internet had no idea what kind of shit this would do.
I figured out the amount of minutes I talked; 14,400 minutes over the course of 3 months. in perspective thats about two weeks of straight talking. (thats a lot). Talking to someone that is both so much different than me, and yet so similar. Someone stronger in a lot of ways, except the one way that is required for what we wanted; a relationship. Do I blame them? No. I dont. I sometimes wonder why I want one so much. Why do I? can I even answer that question? The last one left me feeling broken and branded with bitterness that took me about four months to get fully out of me. So why do I still feel encouraged and all gay and optimistic. Why arent I one of the bitter ones yet? Do I just not get it? Is my brain that stubborn? am I that stubborn?
But for all my bitching, and all the complaining I just did, I'd rather be in the friends zone in a thousand ways more than be not in their lives. I would rather be where I am, then someone who gets 40 minutes of her, or only an hour, or only a couple brief fleeting moments. She's someone who everyone should have in their lives, if nothing else, well, then to make things interesting. A smart girl who can drive..jigga wha?. I swore to myself earlier this year that I would never want to be put in the friends zone again, well, I lied.
Theres a thousand good things I can say about this person, probably more if you actually gave me time, a list, some pancakes, a bottle of JD, a few ciggeret.. okay, you get the point. And the bad ones? I think of one and it gets replaced by about ten good things. And then sometimes I cant even think of it. She lied to me and I dont care. I understand it.. somehow. someway. in the back of my mind its justified in such a way that I dont even feel as betrayed as I should. I cant get mad because the last week i've fought and fought and fought and got so in someones face, more than I ever have before, that by the time monday came around, I was out. I was out of steam, I was out of wanting to feel bad things.
What I dont think anyone understands, is that while I might need to get out and have some fun more often, I dont need to meet a whole bunch of girls. And this girl isnt holding me back directly or indirectly, its not like that. Its not like that at all. The best way I can put it is. I want everyone who graces my life to have an impact or have a special place, or have had a role. I want every person whose lips touch mine, to know who just kissed them. To know what that meant for me and because I kissed them that means all the more to both them, and myself. I want it to count. Not because I'm a conservative prude, but because I dont think I'm equipped for anything else. It's not that I havent had any other girls to kiss, its that I dont think any other girls have had a place in my heart , or had a special place with me in some time, and this girl found a way inside me. It takes a lot for a girl to get to that level with me, I mean, theres been four girls I can count that I've felt that way with, and out of those one ive kissed. I want to be a rarity, and I want to be special. and maybe for the first time in a while, because of this girl, I believe that I am.
Feelings right now.. I'm happy. I'm content. I'm anxious to get shit done. I dont want to ever hear 'the best deceptions' by dashboard ever again.
And I'm scared. I'm scared because there is a chance this summer that I might hear something I might not like and freak out. I'm scared because ive never emotionally had to deal with this before. Had to happen sometime right?
I The thing is, that settles me above all else. She doesnt want anything to get in her way. And I cant honestly promise that I wouldnt, at least not now. I cant swear to god cross my heart all that shit that I wouldnt indirectly , even if I pushed her so hard, cause a delay in something because my being around caused a comfort and a slack. She wants to do so much, and she will. she really will. And the fact that I know I wont hinder it is actually a pretty good feeling.
So, whats left to say. The feelings are on hold . its not that we dont like each other, because we do. Were we living in an illusion.. I cant say that. What I feel is real, what she feels is real. and if it wasnt real then this wouldnt have been a big deal in the first place. I genuinely believe that if something is meant to happen, they will happen. there is no doubt in my mind about that. None. Fate might work in really fucked ways, but it never fails to deliver.
We talked tonight. And we talked about how she hopes I am not in a rush to get through the friends time span of our relationship. Its not that I'm in a rush. Its not that I'm anxious to rush through it. I mean in a way itll be just like it always has been ,just without the promises and the flirty talk and all that shit.
So what is it then.
For the last three months I got a glimpse of what it would be like to be with this person. I got their personality, raw and unbridled. I got them. and for once, it wasnt distorted or jaded by their looks, or anything materialistic or the things that fuck shit up. I got who they really were; who not many people get to see. And I can say, without a doubt, that I loved it. I loved every minute of it, because it wasnt someones looks that kept me coming back for more, or some kind of comfort or this that and the other thing, but it was them. Really think about that for a second, for two weeks of straight talking I somehow found something to say to this girl, and it didnt let up. There wasnt a stale moment I can think of, not a one. Talked about everything, maybe too much.but definitely not enough. I didnt even talk that much to ashley and I dated that girl for a year and a half, this girl what ? three months in. So what do I think.
thats gotta be worth somethin. thats got to mean something. if life contains any of what I believe in, if being a romantic means what I think it means, if any of my beliefs are true, then when all is said and done, it will mean something.
What it is?
We're too be continued. In every word that sentence contains, thats what we are. I cant spell out whats going to happen. And at this point, I dont want to. Ive thought too much about the future. I dont want vows of silence. I want to keep talking. A lot. I want "the no seatbelt song" to still remind her of me. But for the first time in months, I want us to be able to smile about it, not sit there in an awkward silence not knowing what to do.
"this is to a girl who got into my head
with all the pretty things she did
hey, you know, you keep me up in bed
this is to a girl who got into my head
with all the fucked up things I did
hey, maybe, baby, you could keep me up in bed
my Konstantine
spin around me like a deam
we played out on this movie screen and i said
did you know i missed you
oh god I miss you"
Life.
3 months of talking. such highs. such lows. amazing. awesome.
1 week without her, putting things in perspective
the rest of our lives to figure this shit out.
"shrugs".
maybe its time I just shut the fuck up. I might have said too much tonight..but then again.. definitely not enough :)
