Life deprived ~

okay so the following post might be a little sad, so before we do this.



kittens









It's an.. interesting feeling when you almost die. What they say about everything and everyone important to you flashing before your eyes? True. Wishing you could utter every compliment and positive four letter word youve ever wanted to say to someone?
True

Since 15. I've "almosted" three times. Once in sophmore year of high school when I had an allergic reaction to god knows what combined with a major asthma attack. According to my doctor "barely made it" had to spend a week in the hospital.

Second time shortly after graduation. I had an air pocket in my lungs, which they originally mistreated until the point where I literally couldnt breathe beyond a fraction of a normal breath. Luckily my doctor had the insight to do another x-ray. another week in the hospital.

Third time was my fault, completely. had a massive anxiety attack with an asthma attack, and for a good two weeks kept on feeling just... not alive. it's hard to define this without giving someone the sensations, which I would never want to do.

Maybe this is why whenever I have the urge to say something to someone, I do it. No more regrets. This is why I look people in the eyes when I speak to them. I will no longer be reserved. I cant be. I cant waste my time on people, places, or things that wont benefit myself or at least not be sacrificial. This is why I got inked without a second thought.

I need to make this whole life thing meaningful. Maybe this just occurs to me more than other people. But I dont care. I want to be intense in every situation im in. I want to give butterflies or impact someone, in any way possible...

I wasnt visited very often while I had these hospital stays. But I prefer it that way. I dont like someone seeing me weak and attached to tubes and all ..bleh. the first time, my mom stayed with me the entire week, and stayed on the couch. Second time around, I had a super NES sent to my room and just played donkey kong when i wasnt passed out. Third time? well it was mostly at home, but I spent the majority of my one day stay listening to music. St. Vincents in bridgeport,CT now has ipod's to give their patients. how cool of an idea is that?




What if you give someone your all, and it still isnt enough. that is such a scary thought. Does it mean your not capable of providing sufficient attention and affection, or does it mean the other person just wants too much from you. I'm not sure. I want to say that I'll be able to provide for the person I eventually spend my life with, both emotionally,financiallly, romantically, and spiritually, but the thought of coming up short in any of those area's scares the hell out of me. I believe my correct belief in this is "if someone doesnt think what I give them is enough, then they can go bleep! themselves" its just a matter of adopting that policy.

just a thought, or several. lost count





for good measure