Why I wasnt on AIM, and why my anxiety faded

okay, so i havent been on AIM that much lately. part of the reason is I havent been at the computer that much, and when I am it's just to update my journal and such. I've been trying to curb the anxiousness I've been feeling, and the wierdest event occured that cured it.

I went to school. yesterday. and as soon as I walked in the door, my anxiety faded. I was calm and collected for the first time in weeks,and falling asleep was easier than any night in the last two weeks. Which tells me two things

1. my anxiety can be controlled.
2. I need to do more.

Maybe i just need more human contact, or maybe I need to be more active. The ironic part is I havent felt like it because of the anxiousness, but I guess the phrase 'once your there, youll feel better' rings true for my situation. I've been incorporating natural supplements with my medication safely and im hoping to implement more natural and less medical as time goes on. But I dont know if its ever
possible to go completely natural with my problems, I hope so, but only time will tell.

Starship troopers anyone?

this is one of the new assassin spiders discovered in Africa. You know, im not afraid of spiders, but I think i'd run the other way if this thing came at me.

Bleh

I hate taking pescription drugs. I feel like im living on imaginary crutches. Granted, they make me feel better, and that in itself is a godsend, but seriously when is enough?

- Abeuterol-My asthma medication. been on it for eleven years. Yeah, it's the white inhaler you see half the population with these days. Was just told last night I need to be 'careful' with it because it can cause anxiety. wow, thanks for the belated warning guys.

- Neurontin - Self named Big orange. supposed to calm down anxiety and prevent seizures. what it does for me? makes me slightly tired.

- Seroquil - The knocker outer. Best way I can describe. You take it. Twenty minutes later, your drunk. kicks the crap out of anxiety.

- Clonazepam - Rendered obsolete by the Seroquil, but much more preferred. makes you tired and relaxed. the one drug out of all of these that I didnt mind so much.

- Zoloft - anti -depressent. makes you feel like accomplishing shit.


Maybe its just me, but for serious, thats too many drugs to be on for only being twenty one. I should be on one. Alcohol. But I was also informed I cant be consuming any of that. great.

Now, my alternative is the natural approach, which im starting to implement now. This includes calcium/B vitamins/healthier eating/excersizing. its a slow process considering I dont want to spend a lot of time at the gym when im anxious.

blech. for anyone wondering why i havent written any more poetry lately, ive just been feeling like crap. hopefully my creative stroke will come back soon.

So is this why people buy SUV's?

Some comments

Today is the first in several that my anxiety isnt acting up. yay team! I had the wierdest experience last night. I had fallen asleep not feeling very well, a.k.a. still very jittery, and in the middle of the night I was woken up with such a jolt. It felt like someone had put the life back into me. Well, after that I covered myself in blankets, got warm, put on my massive playlist of 'the office' and fell asleep. Anyway, I woke up today feeling fine. I dont know what to make of it.

I feel kind of bad I havent watched the olympics, but i just have absolutely no interest in it. Maybe its my own deviant retaliation for them pushing back The Office another week.

p.s. if you want a good idea for itunes. find a good webcast radio station. put it at the bottom of your playlist, underneath any favorite songs you want to place in there. that way, the music never ends. Maybe I'm just feeling very clever at the moment.

my cell phone plan has finally gone into effect. yay!

And I have such a strong desire for apple cider at the moment.

by the way. the comments on the poem were soooo nice :)

My Valentine

Please leave yourself intact
the strands of brown
shroud your face without contempt
enhancing your eyes and every inch
spanning the globe I adore
from cheek to cheek
you are the world ,
mi amore

flowers are today's patriot
but girls like you rue the day
flushed and rushed as I write
something that would equate
to a beauty unparallel
to anything I could create

mixing up rhyme schemes
maybe borrow from one of your favorites
because theres time for you and time for me
and time yet for a hundred indecisions
and a hundred visions and revisions
before the taking of a toast and tea

Cupping your face in my hands
kissing those soft lips crimsonly
with careful abandon
mixed up are my words
your voice jumbles up my mind
mixes up the L's and O's
how much I olve you
I dont even know

as we twist and turn
to fate's accord
dancing improper duets
my feet ache from indecision
I just want to grasp your hand
and walk away to our island
where we lay
watching doves and creatures
of much greater stature
soar above us
envied at what we have
smirking, the wings you gave me
still so tender
enshroud us again
on our island of perfect
dreamless
ecstasy
just you and me
given a second chance
at feeling alive
please take my hand
and lets learn to fly

echoing these metaphors
and borrowing from poets of old
Dans la fenêtre complètement de la lumière
du soleil concentre
son pli d'or d'ombre sur le pli
usqu'à ce qu'il rougeoie aussi mûr
que les roses de gloire
mon amour
.. or so im told

hiding in the cave
seeing your listless smile
through running water
transparent as the evening sky
blurried and beautiful
grab my hand
and walk on through
but promise me
to leave yourself intact
for the strands of brown
that shroud your face without contempt
enhancing your eyes and every inch
spanning the globe that I adore
from cheek to cheek
you are the world,
mi amore

This just in

while i think of something worthwhile to write. both this blog
and openshutter.net/simonsays

now both allow random comments. be gentle :)

what I needed

the last few days I have done absolutely nothing. and I loved every minute of it.

my brains felt like its been on meltdown. last week was just very overwhelming emotionally. But it made me realize something. Sometimes I think that I'm much more battle hardened in the ways of the spirit, but once in a while, im reminded that I really do wear my heart on my sleeve.

sometimes I just need some moments (or many) of silence so that I can reflect, and gain from what ive learned. and I think ive learned a lot from taking in all my experiences the last couple of weeks. Life is a learning experience in itself, so im glad im doing the 'living' thing.

all I want to do right now is watch a marathon of the simpsons/colbert report/office/ south park (good episodes only), eat a ton of good food, and nap for extroardinarily long times. But, since i cant do that, im going to sleep listening to good music, then get up early tomorrow, go to school. come home. and watch the office episodes im currently downloading.

p.s. how do you accidently shoot someone in the face with a 28 gauge shotgun? thats like me saying "yeah I accidently ran over your mailbox with my monster truck" And hunting quale no less. WHO HUNTS



THIS





WITH THIS

Specify This

Well as you all know, valentines day is upon us tomorrow. Meaning, im going to have to put a kickass poem up to pay tribute. In the meantime, there is something I wanna say.

(comments off folks, sorry)

I like being challenged. Ive always had a competitive attitude kept hidden until late, maybe thats why im so good at certain games etc etc. However, ive rarely been challenged by a person. Wit wise, knowledge wise, music wise, until now. And whether its being sung "the world has turned and left me here" by weezer, or being outclasses by utterly beautiful and magnificent poetry, I thrive on a certain someone :). For arguments sake we'll call her "S.T.V" . So for valentines day, even if im not technically going to have a date, or some major plan, i can relax knowing that out there is someone whom makes me feel like next february 14th , the town will be painted red :) (by all our damn poetry). In the meantime. SOMEONE should just accept that the Anberlin cover of 'love song' is better than the original, and that maybe they should NOT live across from a great lake )

I just made love with your sweet memory
One thousand times in my head
You said you loved it more than ever
You said


And given the last eight months, im glad that for once, my heart can rest easy..


Thank you.

Furthermore

Blizzard outside. yaay.

I need to download the new office episode asap. im starting to have withdrawels thinking of the possible plotline I missed out on. I dont,however, feel this same way about ER. Maybe because i know that show will be on forever.

nothing insightful in a while from me......................meh. I dunno. I mean. I wish I had something worthwhile to contribute, but im in one of those dryspells.

Subjects in Music

The new Brand New Demo is simply amazing. If the new Tool CD follows this trend, its going to be a good year.

American Idol beat out the grammies ratings wise 2:1. I guess people would rather watch mediocre people suck than great talents shine. Either that or American Idol has a much better producer. Pick your poison.

I wrote a very redeeming E-mail today telling someone to shove it, and it felt pretty good. And oh no, we're not talking about the simple shove, this one was complex and perfectly designed to give them the one two. ...and then.

I get the exact opposite of what I was expecting. I got an apology. A very long apology. Pretty much saying im right.... damnit. This so douses my fire.

Anyways, back to the topic of this entry. Sigur Ros. The nothing song. (otherwise known as Njosnavelin) Its such a great song because

1. its written in his own language.
2. you can pretty much make up the words to it by how you feel
3. I said so.

Whoever ordered that James Blunt song to be put on the radio so many damn times needs to be shot. It has officially ruined that song.

Top five instruments used in music

1. Chello
2. Violin
3. Piano
4. Acoustic Guitar
5. Bagpipes.

Why? Dont ask why. havent you learned this isnt a democracy.

Part 2 : Idiot's savant syndrome

before I keep going, I need to list these lyrics, because ive been listening to this song for the last two hours

Well I wrote your name and burned it
To see the color of the flame
And it burned out the whole spectrum
as if you were everything..

Mine just burned gold
normal flame
I am ..
not anything

and then all I remember is the feeling of waking up
we were kids you were the sun
to which my eyes could not adjust
we were kids I was a fountain
you could never drink enough
then came all the boys who swept you up
played careless with your heart
and every night there was a new girl
sitting beside me in my car

something dies when you grow older
but you do the best you can

I am glad
I am glad
I found a girl that..

Why my friends rock, parts 1,2,3,4, and 5

There are two cardinal rules to me that you must understand before I continue

- For every 20,000,000 people that like me. Theres usually one that doesnt.
And that person usually HATES me. like would sacrifice me to Keanu Reaves to being his acting coach hate

- That person(s) is usually a girl

- And usually a girl im romantically interested in,or a friends girlfriend. more on that later


Flash to a story. The story. Because I bet that none of you can top this.

Flash again. Summer of '04. I had been dating my girlfriend for a year. We havent had sex yet. It was a little fustrating, im not going to lie. We were both virgins, the only difference is she was terrified of sex in the absolute worst way.

Now, my friends were a little disappointed in this fact. This should be forwarded by saying, putting it lightly, my first girlfriend was a bitch. No, im not being mean, im being endearing. She could have taken the tone off a hotrod with her mouth. If I listed every mean thing she uttered out of her mouth, it would probably encompass another blog.

So, while most would have just suggested to me that I push the sex card, they on the other hand, petitioned for it. literally.

http://thiscause.org/p/menu.php?p=Simon29490DB

Yes, thats right. They started an online petition for me to have sex. They took matters into their own hands. And it was at this moment that I 1) laughed my ass off when I eventually found out 2) promptly showed it to my girlfriend, using it as a catalyst to end things because by october, it was just ick. 3) telling everyone she found it, because who wants to admit they showed their girlfriend an online petition ordering her to have sex. at least at first. 4) reveled in the fact that my name would forever be imprinted in the online social system.

A special thanks to Bogie and Joe for creating the gem of thiscause.org.

next installment soon!

A writers quandry

Forward. The poem below (last entry) was written November 16nth, 2005. in response to the email, no, im not saying who its about. But I know youll never guess :)


Yes. thats right. Three weeks into this program Ive finally broken down and accepted it. You win logic. Common sense, heres a damn gold star.

I'm a writer.

I guess this was inevitable. The constant writing of poetry. The open disgust of a close minded major.

Yes stephanie, you win. ;P
I'm a goddamned writer.

why the hostility you ask?

Since day one. every teacher. Every adult. Everyone who educated me in the simplest building blocks of life, has said I should write. Everyone I meet suggests I should write a book, or a collection of poetry, or something. Fuck, even my openshutter directory listing puts me up as "a writer'. The thing is.

I enjoy it. Immensely. I love the open endedness of the english language. I love the potential. I love how anything written can not be proven or disproven by a science project or case studies or double blind naturalistic BS.

But I also love helping people. So im thinking. Why not do both. to what degree of each I do not know but.

I'm also a stubborn bitch when it comes to finally admitting things I should have ages ago. Ive always thought "well im really good at writing, but maybe if I did it for a living it would lose its enjoyment".

probably not. but it sounds good.

So here I am, home early from class,making a declaration.

Something I write (well something else?) will be published. and by golly, some people might like it.

fin ~

and the days go by so fast

I wrote this one a while ago, but I, well i just felt like it :)

'one more'

Lets never lie to each other
I wouldnt want to betray perfection
even if it means
putting our hearts in a sling
just to avoid being hurt
for one more day

and I'll pretend I havent memorized your smell
because sometimes I think
learning it all over again
would be so much fun

It's one more night to hold onto soft index fingers
let them play with each other in childish amusement
and then lay our hands together
pretending they intersect in the most perfect of ways
completing our imperfect symmetry

It's a few more hours to give you that smile
kissing inbetween every giggle
staring at the stars which are your eyes
where the universe has hidden an everlasting secret
and ill be forever gazing
trying to find the answer

It's a few more minutes kissing the nape of your neck
nuzzling and wishing I could hold onto this instant
no one ever thinks the last kiss is the last kiss
so if that is true, there is not another second
to let my hands go of the curves
that I'm hastily trying to memorize
because learning again can be so much fun.

It's a few more seconds wishing I had
just a few more seconds

its that last thought
where all those love songs make sense
and im left beckoning a silent film
where my memory feeds the reel
and it gets stuck on one cell
where your laying in bed
coyly smiling
and wrapped within a soft quilt
eyes closed and dreams conquering
Thats when I knew I loved you

I think I'll be forever trying
to memorize that moment
because learning it all over again
can be so much fun

Wont you (draft)

Star light
Star bright
First star who returns my sight
I wish I may
I wish I might
be allowed to bask in your gaze
lost forever within your maze
I guess a child's lullaby was meant to contain
all the words and wishes we force to refrain

Sifting through off white sands
and tiny particles sticking onto moist skin
cradled like youth too immature to be set free
they refuse to let go
maybe through all this searching
and reliving a savant's dream
I'll find my heart among the pale recesses

Confessions dangle in the air
above my crib of displacement
dancing without consequence
cloth sticks to me like the sweet sin
that consumes these thoughts
when I think of you

A key
perfected jagged edges made
to slip inside without reprisal
turning slowly; I smile
You know the answer
I know the question
Together we form
the perfect rhyme

Asterick

Tiny flecks of
darkened glass
fall
rip this image asunder
and leave behind
much more of the same

in memorium of the fallen
those cells choose not to live
not made to walk the plank
martyrdom for no purpose
but to avoid
a pirate's death
sailing the high sea's
towards a well known destination

an outlaw with such specifics
granted quarter
only with solitude as the bailor
I'm given the keys and made to swallow
something all too familiar

reading from silver lining
the same chapter skimmed over for good measure
as dust follows my chaffed fingers
I blow gently to remember specifics
just to relive a fallen tale
I laugh with feigned purpose
and slam shut the novel
a dust cloud envelopes my face
but im used to the smell
the second time around

...

My back feels like its been steamrolled over

My car was broken into

Traffic on the LIE sucks


Things like this make you appreciate Trumbull just a little bit more.

Reporting from..

I'm in long island. its not much different than connecticut, except for all the traffic, and its kinda warmer. And its not hilly, at all.

its nice not to be home though, it was kinda getting on my nerves. Freedoms just an area code away. and i cant complain about the company :)

i feel like writing more, i guess ill do that when I get home. And for some reason me being here has made me realize how much of a stricter schedule I need to have. Reasons explained later.

Busy busy busy!

As this will be my last post for the next couple days, I better make it a doosy

I love eggs. And now that I get up early, I love making ginormous omelettes with everything but the kitchen sink mixed in. Breakfast rocks. thank god they didnt name these things "chicken fetus's" or i'd have a much bigger problem with my AM consumption.

I'm heading to long island this weekend. should be a fun time :)

you know what I love about the news stations? a dozen or so miners get trapped and I couldnt find a station that WASNT covering it. 1300 people are lost on a egyptian cruise ship, and its barely being mentioned. Go equality!

I have a partner for my adolescent development class. her name is "Dan Lee" and her e-mail is "asiandudette@". so much for not falling into stereotypes. I'm going to bribe her with yu-gi-oh cards to do my work.

So, myspace is being investigated by connecticut police for their claim that they "provide a safe environment to meet people" after several girls have been assaulted.
Is anyone suprised? Seeing someones pictures doesnt make them any less inclined to do bad things. Vanity is not the answer to whether or not someone is kind. And pretty boy means asshole in french. im sure of it.

I love typing

I really do. especially with this new keyboard. its amazing how technology can make the simplest concept such as writing that much easier. imagine if Paul Reveer had AIM. could have made his job so much easier.

> Paulieman2: Yo dawg
Colonapoon: What up!
Paulieman2: Get yer piece ready. Dem British is coming.


I wrote this on wednsday. it could be finished, but I think its not.

"The Eisal"

A portrait of memorium
derived from pure thought
a simple wish
denied and so encased in canvas

sitting in front of a blank void
fingers newly black from leaking chalk
thousands of possibilities on a 12X9 square
confrontation through art

paralyzation stems onto my extremities
vivid images pass through a decieved cortex
a smile here; a strand of gold there
forming into something tangible

A rubic's cube coming together
or a broken shoreline blanketed by renewing sea
while similar salted liquid gently falls onto my skin
and old memories rendered asunder by truth.

Spoken through touch
gentle ripples of color bleed onto
an eagerly awaiting canvas
fallen trees dedicate themselves..
to this doomed memorium

as chaos is consumed by order
an image comes into view
many strands of gold and still
just one perfect smile

Blending and becoming a mirage
my lips blow chalk off the image
just off a cliff and onto the precipee
particules gently covering my heart

And as I survive another day
the eisal taunts me without refrain
A 12X9 cavern with beauty smothering the walls
now my frankenstein
with your face so angellic
and your pale skin draped with dark soot
a memory now forever in portrait

Given an ending
I put you back on the wall
and walking away from the museum
makes me realize
It really wasnt that bad at all.

I wrote this while watching a girl sketch feverishly on her pad, obviously upset about something. think it was a ten minute period or so.

Bob Villa aint got shit on me

The simon school of ..school!

gather round

Normal day = Class 9-5

Simon day = E-mail teachers your homework. watch ER, boy meets world and evil dead.

The Early Bird and Why Toys Dont Play in the Attic

I find myself inavertadely eating less and less. I cant place why. A psychologist under the behavioral viewpoint would say its due to myself being currently emotionally satisfied, and I no longer need to compensate with lot's of tasty taco bell. That may be true. But I'd like the reason to be more or less something like

'your finally starting to care!'

I've come a long way from the kid who used to eat two sandwiches at lunchtime, every day from 6th-11nth grade. I've even come a long way from the kid who liked to get stoned and eat not only his house, but any snackfood in a 50 mile radius. I've changed from the nineteen year old who once ordered two triples with cheese, a large fry, a frosty and some nuggets, ate them all and was still hungry.

now?

breakfast - omelette
lunch -soup/salad/tuna
dinner -chicken of some sort/rice

thats it. now if only I'd get the excersize part down again, I'd be golden. I no longer have the urge to eat past dinner, and I usually fulfill any hunger moment with a large bottle of water. I no longer have to try to reach this point anymore. At first, it was a struggle of the roman kind. Maybe my veins secretly were built with lead, and now a thousand years later the 'lets eat a ton' genes have been given dimmentia. im not sure. but I can now moderate like a mothatrucker.

My mother, on the other hand, has become myself at eighteen. she eats and eats and eats, and chocks it all up to hormones and swears like the virgin mary that I dont understand because I'm a man. You know what, your right ma. I never had any emotional stress in my life, none. And now she has a sidekick. the twenty two year old version of herself. Together they hit the 'lifetime' demographic like nobodies buisness. Macaroni and cheese at ten. doughnuts after dinner. they have no shame. the actual atttiude is and I quote "well I cant lose weight, so I might as well get fatter and fatter". I cant. if I hit that roadblock when im thirty five I urge any of you to shoot me down.

Onto a funny story

My house was pink. I used to swear it was salmon, but it was pink. Imagine my dismay moving into a house like this at sixth grade. I always wondered what would motivate someone to paint a house to sponser barbie. Surely no man would consent to such a blasphemous color. At this point though I was just about bitter at the world for having been moved ten miles from my original home, in another town, where all my friends and I lost touch. It was the age when car travel was a once a week gift and area codes were a thing of legend.

There came a time shortly afterwards, when I had nothing to do with my day's. Schoolwork? pshaw. never. So I went exploring. And the first undiscovered country of the republic of barbie was my attic. My parents were never home until six, so I had plenty of time when I got home from school to plot my journey. I lowered the stairwell, and eagerly climbed the five or so steps that led to this abyss of wonder.

It was dusty. Plenty dusty. I searched through the rubble of this fallen nation with disappointment. How was this supposed to amuse me? I cant play with dust. Boxes strewn about proved to contain nothing but old magazines.

There was something dully pink in the corner. At first it was merely an abstract in the corner of my eye, but as time went on I couldnt help but focus my image on this. What in the world could still have color in this 1940's world? I walked towards the object, half expecting it to start beating or scream 'next time simon, next time!' and jump out the window. instead, it just layed still. I finally got within reaching distance, and picked it up.

I could give you the rundown of what I originally thought the item was. but instead I'll add in my twenty one year old wisdom and tell you:

It was a giant pink dildo with a switch.

thats right. I suppose the mechanicalized versions are called vibrator's. whatever. I flicked the switch. It started moving, quite rapidly I might add. I immediately turned it back off. I threw it in the corner. Stared at it a little longer. it began to resemble something ive seen before. maybe in a monster's manual, or an old folk story. Then it hit me.

It looked like my penis. But a lot larger and pink. Even more questions popped into my head. Is this what penis's are supposed to look like? Is mine going to be that size one day? God I hoped it didnt turn pink. Health class seemed to have withheld all of the details. At least the worthwhile ones. Vas Deferenes be damned , I needed to know about these mattell brand penis's! This almost beat the time when I asked my health teacher "how would a guy know if he's going to have to pull out". Yeah no, I wasnt the smartest apple back in the day.

I shut the attic door and went downstairs. I figured there would come a later date when I'd return to the source and analyze this further. I probably would have showed it to my friends, but at the time I had no friends. And there was another problem. When I eventually did return, it was gone. .. It had disappeared. Maybe there was a recall, or the owner slipped into our attic in the middle of the night and reclaimed her lost ark of the covenant. I didnt dare mention this to my parents. What would they think? Our boy is now making up fake phallic symbols. To the stable with him!

I've later deduced it was a product of my parents. It had to be. The only other explanation is they found it as well and immediately threw it away. Thats the more pleasant reasoning.

Later in life, about senior year of high school, I was rummaging through my parents items looking for something, I dont remember. I think it was any loose change I could find. Instead, I found the pink panther's sidekick, dolomite. A giant black mechanicized di..vibrater. Instead, this time, I did find it hilarious, and I happened to share the story with a good majority of my friends. Theres only one catch. My mom knew I found it. I dont know how, maybe she secretly had the dust measured to each side of it, and when it was moved even a fraction an alarm went off. I still stick behind that theory. Anyway, I was called home, and explained in a very feverish way, that I shouldnt invade someones privacy like that and I owed her an apology. I could tell she was deftly embaressed. This woman worked at an elementary school. She was used to helping mentally challenged kids, not being challenged by a mental kid. I got the "sometimes moms and dads need to have their personal privacy" speech. at eighteen. I smirked. obviously smirked. Told her she can do whatever she wants with Dolomite, and I wont be looking for loose change in her space anymore, and went upstairs.

Moral of the story. Women? If you have children, Hide your vibrater's. and if you dont? carry on.