Probably the most honest post of mine you will ever read

I have no respect for my parents. None. I may credit them, and I love them, but I dont respect them.

My mom has survived a lot of events in her life. Abuse, depression, etc etc. She is very strong. But she never lets go of anything, and she lets the past consume her. By day she helps mentally challenged children in their day to day lives, but by night she drinks and yells at my father for pretty much anything. I hear this, and years ago it used to really bother me, but now im just immune to it emotionally.

My father, on the other hand , is a completely different story. He has survived a lot too, and acomplished a lot in his life. But, much like my mom where he has survived, he now takes it upon himself to live his daily life by way of spite. So much of what he does is either helping someone, or pleasing himself in a way that shows someone else no one is the boss of him. He cheated on his first wife a ton of times, and im pretty sure most of you know the story now. But, he never defends himself when my mom goes on her rants. He never stands up or says anything back. He just sits there drinking his beer, minding his own buisness. How can I respect someone that doesnt respect himself?

Which brings us to me. I have gone so long without someone to push me or motivate me, or even tell me what to do. The last time my dad pushed me was probably by accident, and even when my mom is not very directive in what she wants. So much of life I have had to learn or experience on my own, some things I could have used a bit of guidance.

For so long I have searched inwardly for an answer to many questions. I have spent days trying to figure out some things. But the truth of the matter is, I'm never going to figure it out until I get out of here. Out of this house, out of this town, and maybe out of this state. Who knows. I need an education, but I need my own place. and I need a job to afford both. I need to search outwardly, not just in. and I need to start respecting myself, because the concept of respect is completely absent in my house.

So first things first. I need to respect me. And now sleep.