Whenever I want you, all I have to do is ....

I'm always really careful how I word things because, well.. thats just how ive always been. Sometimes I come off as witty, but most of the time its just because I cant just say how I feel. its like this cryptic rolling of the toungue where I kind of say it, without directly spelling it out. And I hate that. More on this in a sec

Applied to express, old navy, FYE, and inquired at a bunch of other places. I will work in retail if it kills me :P I just came to the conclusion that I want money bad so I can do things with my time and not just spend every night over (insert names here)'s house drinking or watching a movie, or whatever.

Quote of the night is from John

"you are an abstinence bitch

"I hope the smoke detecters in your house fail"

May drunken halo never die

Some things ive been thinking about...

Porn. Yeah, I watch it. But lately afterwards ive been getting this really intense feeling where I just know no one in it really WANTS to be there. I'm sure somewhere you'll find an interview where they say "I just really like sex and bla bla bla", but the truth of the matter is, no woman, even if she was the biggest sexaholic on earth, would appreciate being demeaned to the level of having millions of men buy tapes of them getting it up the ass. Do you have any idea how impossible it would be for some of these "Stars" to have a normal life, at all, in any way shape or form. Men or women, forget having a family. And someone understanding the nature of your buisness??? forget being married to anyone outside the porn industry. Sometimes you can just look at their faces, and you just see.. disingenuine..sadness. i cant even place it. like a hollow face planted on a mostly fake body. And now that im reading what I just wrote, I took the plunge. All my porn = gone.

Vanity. Anyone remember a quote from Al Pacino in "The devils advocate?"

Vanity . My favorite Sin.

how true. I had a dream tonight where I went through everything I wanted to this spring, looked a lot like I've always desired, and everyone in my life started treating me so drastically different. When I initially lost weight after high school, I noticed it a little bit, but never to any earthshaking levels. I guess its just really...sad how much stock we put into someones looks. I have both seen, and been a part of situation s where an asshole (or a bitch in the right circumstance) gets the upper hand because they are hot, or good looking, or however you want to call it. thats fucked up. What about people that are good natured, or well intentioned, or even just genuinely nice. what happens to them? Am I just at a stage when the world starts looking so painfully flawed, and I have to either accept these universal truth's or forever be in denial?

Poetry - Lately I feel like ive been settling with what ive been writing. I mean, ive never been one to work on a poem for more than an hour or two. It doesnt take me wrong to bust out ten stanza's, and often times they are at least decent. Earlier in life I was a tad self righteous with my writing but that faded a while ago. My point is, if I can write something so quickly, what if I took my time? I just keep thinking im producing at 10 or 20 percent of my talent. And thats very unsettling.


On a different note, lately ive been feeling like I could give my all to someone, and that still wouldnt be enough. Like no matter what I do or how I act, it just isnt enough. It might never be. I feel like I have glimpses of being this great guy, and then the mode will break and ill be left dissappointing people for not continuing being that great. I get overwhelmed so easily emotionally. Maybe I just wish I had faith that my "all" was satisfactory. Over the last couple weeks ive been slowly incorporating the sensitive side of me that has been absent up until late. And im almost afraid that if I give someone that side of me , totally and unquestionably like I was always so inclined to do, it will be destroyed. So I keep this wall up where I rarely admit how I really feel, what I really want, etc etc. I know I have to break this wall down I just cant help but feel apprehensive about doing so.

If something is meant to be, than it will be. I will never stop believing in that quote. but sometimes, late at night, when something I want feels just so unreachable and impossible, that fortune cookie voice of wisdom gets harder and harder to swallow.

I know I'm going to do well in school, and I know that I'm going to accomplish my goals. Thats not the hard part. It's still believing that one day I'll be fortunate enough to have my dreams come true.

I miss the feeling of warmth from another person. A lot. And thats something my sarcasm cannot compensate for. Ive been really fortunate that lately the "making myself happy" part of me has been in charge, but sometimes I just really miss making someone else happy.