"your own disaster"

I wish just for once I could post about having a normal week and doing normal things, but I cant. I cant just sit here and list "well I watched this, and then I saw this, and then I took a crap, and then this", but thats not what I like to write about. Ultimately this journal is to reflect my thoughts, not my actions, unless they have a direct impact on my thoughts.

I worked this week for a couple of days and it felt pretty good to be outside sweating my balls off utterly exhausted. I complained about it at the time but I like working outside. it's refreshing and definitely clears my mind.

theres a side of me that I dont show people often, especially if I dont want them to see it. Its my "cynical not so optimistic side". its my "well ill be an ass or a dick", its my not take everything lying down side. and it should be a part of me always but if there were switches to parts of your personality its default would be "off". I have such a self righteous attitude that most people wouldnt like it so I keep it at bay most of the time. Especially with "them", I hide it, and its not that I take everything sitting down and am completely unaware of whats going on around me. its that im letting it happen because I dont mind playing the role of "being served". It gets peoples jollies off so I dont mind it. But that is until someone comes along and pisses me the fuck off. Then its a different story.

I remember when I was a kid, whenever I showed that side of me, the cynical side, I was basically scolded to be more optimistic and cheery, and I think thats what made a good part of what I am today. but its tiring being nice, its exhausting being optimistic, and its really annoying being cheery. I have let people say some shit to me that other people would have punched them in the face for. And I do it willingly, fully aware of how I should react. well I think I should alter that " a tad". I dont think its as easy as flipping that shit on, but we can give it a try.

poem.

My concerns are rendered moot with the
warm
breathing touch
of your voice
For with it I am powerless
Happily complying to it with
a boyish grin
Nodding with a smile
And wanting a neverending story
with an oh so perfect ending
the thing is.
only you will know
what im talking about
Memories of our kisses
Melding with caressing
your soft back.. shoulders
tickling your neck with a breath
my ear quivering
a lick is all it takes
so wont you comply with my wishes
and indulge me

so wont you moan for me?
oh wont you pant
I demand your voice echo sinful pleasure
trickles of sweat
drip...drip .. drip
sliding down your smooth skin
licking them ; my hunger is fed
oh wont you!
cant you!
.. will you
kisses to your naval
wet and informal like your desheveled hair
swaying about with wild abandon!
you torture me with licks..
sway my grins
you suck..
oh wont you pant
oh wont you!
cant you!
will you...
We dance around the subject
ballerina's in your bed
my toungue tiptoes about
tantalizing.. you grip my shoulders
bite my chest
your teeth marvel my senses
I want.. more! MORE!
more biting!
I lick, I flick.
You bite
It's so right
innocence thrown to the wind
your thigh taunts me
.. and you suck
wont you pant !
oh wont you!
cant you!
will you
my eyes roll back
I hear you giggle
deeper, angels turn their eyes
trickles of you dance around my skin
bouncing with our movement
my hands grip your side..tight
my legs lock around yours... tighter
you sink in.. tight.
you pretend to squirm.. we laugh
you lick my cheek,
we kiss
our toungues swaying
mute words of affection
I want more
.. oh wont you
cant you
will you
my eyes close!
resistance is suppose to be easy
but you make me.. it. so hard
so close now..
Faster we dance
delivering an encore!
you bounce faster
hastening every inch
your body is my prison
you wont let me out!
oh wont you
cant you
will you
let me..


YOU CANT HAVE ME!
slams into my head
a sledgehammer to my desire

We suspend time
The wood under your deck whispers
such material so envious of such angellic lips
but fallen trees will never enjoy the trappings of a kiss
And I will never be able to shout
joyously
invigoratingly!
from these doomed tree's breathing, breathtaking, brethren
that you are mine
I unstrap the clothes that bind
your perfect body
(paused )
But you are mistaken!
Such imposing challenge will not leave me shaken
......And such fine lips
........... and such fine hips
cupping your face
till the ends of the earth will I chase
a face
a chase
With such big brown eyes
surveying your conquered territory
staring back into mine
and so come with me
and lets suspend time
tick tock
I hear the strands of an ending
come
the world is our playground
and ill have you back by sunrise
a face
a chase
my hands
your waist
We've lost our minds
Yet ive never felt so sane
kissing your hips
my hands slide down
oh wont you for tonight
kneel
breathe me in
rapture dons a face
your big brown eyes slide inward
come, lets conquer the earth


ill have you back by sunrise....

"Fresh start"

Fresh start.

Well as fresh as it can be .

Feelings ~ Confident. Content. Serious.

What I think is that I throw way too much shit around like its everyones buisness, and then im surprised when they react the way they do.

That being said. We all have problems. All of us. If your reading this, then you probably have something wrong with you. Whether it be an addiction or depression or a general case of extreme cynicicsm, its there. I have problems. What are they?

- Need to build my confidence
- Need to get a job
- Need to be stronger
- Need to be more assertive
- Need to stop worrying about what other people think

Im only 21. I have a long road ahead of me before I'm at that point where im in a very stable situation. I still want to go out and have fun, and I still got maybe a year of housatonic left before I can transfer to a four year school with my associates. Seriously, everyone needs to hop off my dick. I'm not going to sink into a cespool of depravity, im not going to sit here in my room, im not going to lose myself.

I need to get very serious with myself, and the last thing I need is someone on my case. My apologies to anyone ive came to in the past for advice acting like a brainless twit, but that area of my life is over now.

I have more respect for someone that comes to me telling me they want to fix a problem, than everyone else who ignores their own. Keep that in mind. I ignored my own for such a long time, and now im finally addressing them. its not the shortest process in the world, but im making an attempt.

"your using all your looks that youve thrown from the start"

So my cars battery died last night. I'm having it looked at this morning to see if the battery is completely dead or just needs a charging. It was kind of in an awkward moment too, blocking in half the party at maiones house. But its okay, szabes and I got it home.

I had a good July 4th. Left a couple tipsy voice mails, played some football, went to the beach, ate some pretty good food, swam, and passed out on a white carpet!

It's day one of getting used to my day without talking to someone. A very wierd feeling. It was wierd when i broke up with ashley, but not this wierd. I think its because when I ended things with ashley, I felt like everthing had been over for a while. There really isnt a guidebook to break habits, not ones like these anyway.

But , I have to move on. I've said my goodbyes, not in person because god knows we cant have that, but in an e-mail.

You know, just figured id throw this out there. I used to read blogs and journals and think "god I dont want mine to be whiney and all about relationships", but what else am I supposed to write about? It's not like anyone genuinely cares or gets benefit from my opinion on movies, sports, or anything else that matters. So if i'm going to take the time to bitch about something, it might as well be about something meaningful.