I wish just for once I could post about having a normal week and doing normal things, but I cant. I cant just sit here and list "well I watched this, and then I saw this, and then I took a crap, and then this", but thats not what I like to write about. Ultimately this journal is to reflect my thoughts, not my actions, unless they have a direct impact on my thoughts.
I worked this week for a couple of days and it felt pretty good to be outside sweating my balls off utterly exhausted. I complained about it at the time but I like working outside. it's refreshing and definitely clears my mind.
theres a side of me that I dont show people often, especially if I dont want them to see it. Its my "cynical not so optimistic side". its my "well ill be an ass or a dick", its my not take everything lying down side. and it should be a part of me always but if there were switches to parts of your personality its default would be "off". I have such a self righteous attitude that most people wouldnt like it so I keep it at bay most of the time. Especially with "them", I hide it, and its not that I take everything sitting down and am completely unaware of whats going on around me. its that im letting it happen because I dont mind playing the role of "being served". It gets peoples jollies off so I dont mind it. But that is until someone comes along and pisses me the fuck off. Then its a different story.
I remember when I was a kid, whenever I showed that side of me, the cynical side, I was basically scolded to be more optimistic and cheery, and I think thats what made a good part of what I am today. but its tiring being nice, its exhausting being optimistic, and its really annoying being cheery. I have let people say some shit to me that other people would have punched them in the face for. And I do it willingly, fully aware of how I should react. well I think I should alter that " a tad". I dont think its as easy as flipping that shit on, but we can give it a try.
