So what can I be sarcastic about. I knew I needed a subject. Something that couldnt possibly offend anyone, regardless of race, creed,sex, or preference. Something that could shake the grounds of humanity as we know it and end tyranny worldwide! SOMETHING SPECTULAR! something politically correct... I need to slam something both hated and non hated by all.
I got it.
/> Tofu.
First of all, if your eating tofu, you might as well be eating air blown out of a midget. this stuff tastes like nothing. literally. it is nothing. its unflavored beans. Your eating white snot. If anyone tells me they like tofu, I assume they also like limbo, because consuming it is about as accomplishing as being stuck between heaven and hell. Or maybe catscans. you like those too? I was in one once. you know what it tasted like? NOTHING.
If you like general chao's bean curd? you like the sauce they use. you dont like the bean curd. HOW CAN YOU LIKE SOMETHING THAT TASTES LIKE NOTHING! DO I SAY I LIKE WATER? NO! EVERYONE NEEDS WATER! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP LYING TO YOURSELF.
ahem. better. I feel better. dont you?
tofu is the spam of the protein world. and yes, spam is in the protein world. but I give spam more respect, because at least it physically has a taste. you dont give a gold star to the kid in crutch's that couldnt volunteer, you give it to the one that did the 100 meter dash and went two meters, then stopped because he realized the physics behind holding your finger under a straw filled with water. he may have spent the rest of his life writing a book about it, but at least he tried to make it look like a run!
I cant give silence a grammy. so dont give tofu a taste award. got it? If tofu were a person, it would be a mime, because i could flavor it with anything, and thats what it would taste like. do you like eating mimes? sick bastards.
Onto Gilbert Godfreed.
He's not a comic. He's a guy who talks funny and complains. I suspect aliens implanted permenant hemmroids on him at the age of 12, and his voice adjusted itself.
If you say Gilbert Godfreed is a comic, then you need a parachute, because im going to kick you off Mt. Everest. Theres a reason the man could never be a main character. BECAUSE HE HAS NO CHARACTER.
Onto Bowling and Poker
Not a sport. A hobby. again, not a sport. If I see this on ESPN2 one more time im going to assume the producer is a monkey with down syndrome. If you recieve an injury bowling, you etiher stubbed your toe, or found out you have clemedia. either way, its not a real injury. and its not a real sport. stop acting like its one,world. same goes for poker. if I wanted to watch a bunch of men tense for hours over small pieces of paper, i'd watch congress in session, or a bunch of fat guys trying to make out whether there realy is a girl's phone number on their dollar bill. Whoever wins poker matches must have let gas as a kid, because the key skill in poker is not showing any emotion whatsoever, no matter how smelly your hand gets. Hah, yeah, I made a funny. STOP SHOWING IT ESPN!
Oprah
Shut up. you endorsed the wrong book, and then had an hour show about endorsing the wrong book. your like Nike without class. Then you blamed everyone but you for a good half an hour, for something you endorsed. good call. next time eat a twinkie during the show. then at least i'll know your genuinely doing something out of stress.
Second hand smoke.
Get out of the way.
Bush lovers
oh now your just being stubborn.
Chingy
thurr is not a word. neither are half the things you say, whether or not you intend them on being words in the first place, but still.
Myspace fights
heres a shovel. take it to the real world.
Simple Plan
................. I'd say something, but then youd respond and my mirrors would shatter.
Any music I cant hear the lyrics to
No.
Lindsay Lohan
You were cute, then you forgot how to eat.
Hopefully I have subdued my sarcastic side with this list.
hopefully.
6 comments:
You know, I thought SPAM was the protein spam. Guess I just got schooled. ;)
P.S. You're way funny. Joan Crawford would marry you in a heartbeat.
Ditto on the funny.
Tofu, dahlink, can be put into foods that have lots of taste. This goes perfect for those who do not eat meat, this provides what the lack of meat can't...perfect example... indian food...not much cow eating in that country.. lots of veggies and vegetarians too....I had tofu in my korma tonight and it took on the flavor of the curry.. so don't knock the cuisine, man! I'll beat you with a string of soybeans or something.
youve just totally schooled me on tofu.
Yeah, but is something that has to steal another food's taste really a food? Seriously, that's more like bodysnatching. Or at least it's like that annoying kid who would always copy your ideas in art class.
Tofu is a punk. School's out.
lol, gorgeous, only you could compare tofu to bodysnatching and have it make sense :)
LMAO I wish I'd read this post sooner! Sarcasm rules and of course the way you did it rocked my world, if only for a few minutes.
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