Interrim

By the way, I'm now adding all my poetry to one blog
:)
So if anyones ever bored and wants to read some poetry, feel free.
Just, uh... be gentle

http://mikehitsthespot.blogspot.com

AAAAAAAAAAAAAA

My old workout regiment in the summer

Weights
300 pushups
3-4 miles treadmill depending

Now?
like 100 -150 pushups if im lucky. I definitely need to up the ante again. Of course, I was also addicted to diet pills during the summer, and would take 7-8 a day depending on the mood and what I ate. So that wasnt the healthiest of situations either. I kinda need to mix both my mindsets. I'll never get why I'm always into extremes. It's either this way, or that way. It's never in the middle. I kinda hate that.

Oh, also. I just ate my last plate of nacho's, because I cant be eating utter shit so late at night.

I got a new pair of glasses, so it doesnt look like im consistantly retarded!! YAAY ME!

I hope to get super smashed tomorrow night. It'll be mighty fun to be drunk in front of strangers again. good things happen when that occurs. If I dont manage to sign on tomorrow night and wish everyone a happy new years

HAPPY NEW YEARS! Ya'all deserved it. have a shot on me. And if you dont drink..... well. drink. life's too short to have too much concern about your liver, at least on a once a year basis.

p.s. john and I performed quite an owning up on halo tonight. I'm purchasing a headset tomorrow, so when someone asks me if my mom won the lawsuit with the abortion clinic, I can now defend myself!

My minds going around 1000 miles a minute, which would probably explain why this blog is so varied in topic. Aaah well.

I cant help but think

I need a new romantic song. Or maybe I need to hit up old artists. But sometimes I can listen to lyrics and I can imagine that part of me that (see below) I miss. For everything ive come to realize and all the knowledge thats come from experience, sometimes I just wish I still based my viewpoints around fantasy. Maybe its deluded to think that way, I just dont care. It's funny, the old me would jump at a chance to be able to talk like I do now, speak like I do and not give a shit like I do. But once you lose something, sometimes it teaches you to appreciate it like never before.

Like a few posts back when I said the only advice I could give someone is to never become a cynic. The best advice is to always be a dreamer. It's so hard when situations constantly fuck you in the ass and give you the raw end of the deal, but as soon as you lose that part of you, you become "points to the outside world" one of them. You lose the mystery that this world should have more of, and what you have left is a manufactured and bitter perspective. And thats a problem. Why? If everyone lost that side of them, there would be no music, no books, no movies, nothing to even elaborate on the depth's of dreams and fantasies. Why do people write so much when their heartbroken? Because in their heart they still believe what they were searching for is out there. No writer would bother if they truly believed their work would fall on deaf ears, even their own.


The new year is upon us soon. So in the spirit of the holiday, I'd like to give a silent resolution to the population. No matter what your dream is, I dont even need to know it. Be it material or ethereal, involving love or lust or even something as simple as waking up every morning and loving the person you are. Never give up hope. Because its that very moment, when you finally collapse and concede the thing youve wanted the most since the first time you could think for yourself, that everything starts to dull, and you become realisticly, fully and logically, human. No one really wants that. I'm sure some people will read this and think im full of shit. And to them I say "sorry your one of them now", but even if one person agrees with me, then writing this was worth it.

This is my dream. I dont want to be rich or famous, or even to make a huge difference in this world. What I really want, if I were to give a truthful answer.

I'd love to wake up one morning, with a couple years of school under my belt. With a job somewhere in the line of pyschology. And I'd love an arm to be draped across my chest when I wake up. I'd look to my right, or left, and see someone , who I'd know was undoubtly and unmistakenly, inside and out , utterly gorgeous. And then I'd get up, take a shower, and have the knowledge that I am fully secure of who I am and what I want in life.

Whatever yours is, all I have to say is, have at it. And dont look back.

Halo halo halo

Ive concluded my halo playing is based on my mood. Tonight, I was in a good mood. and I rocked the house, slowly earning my ink so to speak.

had a good conversation with a miss ashley depascale (no idea what the last name is but it probably has something to do with cute)

Thanks to my Aussie friend I feel a ton better. Was able to settle a situation earlier this evening too which helped like hardcore. (you know who you are!)

I heard that in NY theres a number you can call where an automated recording is like "You HAVE BEEN REJECTED" in a nice woman voice. I should totally get that number and start giving it out. how funny would that be? Its also in austraila, which would make an even funnier number to give out. yeah my numbers 405-594-496523-40820892.. .swear

whats the one thing you would do if you absolutely knew without a doubt that no one would find out and you wouldnt get arrested.

Anyone? I'll go first

Tip a Cow - theres gotta be a reason thats the number one sport in idaho.
Hire a mexican to dance - their already halfway to agreeing as it is
Admit that I like some Sarah Mclaughlan music.
(Note, its not that I think its wrong to like Sarah Mclaughlan. Its that no one ever fucking admits they like her unless someone else goes first. My apologies to the one known as Dan, may his wit never die)


okay, now your turn!

Hanging on a ciggerette...

Okay, my recipe for new years will be

- Bottle of vodka
- 4 ish cigars
- People around me
- A Mr. Williams house


That sounds pretty good.

Its no coincidence that the World of Warcraft login screen is a open void sucking you in. Trust me on this. At around 12:30 I went on thinking I was only going to be on in an hour, I logged off at 4:30. UGH.

So after this tattoo is finished, I'm considering an earring.. I dunno. Maybe in May or something. I still want to get one on my left arm, and one on my right shoulder blade. I dont know what of yet, except its probably going to be a little more docile than a skull with two swords spread across a shield ;) I also really miss my cross necklace. Gotta find that again.

I'd also like to find the side of me that used to dream and set super high goals. Yeah, they were hard, but they also kept me going in the right direction. That's not to say that A hard goal isnt getting 2 years worth of school done in one. But in more than just that aspect. It was really cool being carefree for the last few months, eating what I want, drinking what I want, doing what I want. Having absolutely no obligations than to see friends and have a blast. But I want to take myself seriously, and I want to be taken seriously. And neither of that is going to happen if I were to continue on this path. That's why I'm so glad I'm going back to school.

But I miss just dreaming, and I miss really believing those dreams were attainable. I always felt thats what separated me from the rest of the world. I would love to read about philosophy and how I could empower myself, now I just want to go to school ,get a job, get drunk on the weekends and party.... what. Have I become normal? I dont even know.

One thing that I'm REALLY glad I stopped doing in the last six months is smoking pot.
Mainly because now I see how utterly dull it made me, and makes other people. I'll never tell someone not to do it, ill just say that the entertaining factor behind that person drops about 500 percent while their on it.


And I think I just figured out why ive been feeling the way I have been in the last two months (thank you to the person who JUST made me realize it) That part of me, the part that used to be in so into doing crazy romantic shit, and dreaming, I shut down because it felt betrayed. That blind trust that I used to have in myself and in women, that all was shot to shit. Maybe if I were to trust someone again, then that part of me would open again. Or even if I started to trust my own emotions. that would be nice. hmmmmmm

I wish that I'd recognize those eyes

Last night I got angry for no reason whatsoever. And it wasnt a dull anger. I was riproaringly angry and about to explode for a good three or so hours. I cant place exactly why, in fact part of me suspects it's a side effect from one of my medicenes, but I was seriously close to just losing it. I think I am just so fustrated with everything. I miss a relationship, but I know im in no state to have one. I wish I could tell everyone how I exactly felt, which I did for the most part, but I still think that it wasnt enough. I like being sarcastic but I miss being sincere all the time. I like being realistic but I miss my old naive self. I feel like theres two sides to me. I feel like I've finally accepted so many truth's to this world, but then theres a part of me that just cant let go of the fantasies I used to be known for. The "hopeless" romantic side that lingered even after high school was crushed to smithereens, and now its just a bitter mirror of realizations.

Who can I really blame it on either? When it comes right down to it, myself. Sure, I can say that my ex picked apart my illusion of what having a girlfriend would be like, little by little. I can say that my experiences with girls havent been the best. I can even say that up until recently I just never really knew how to handle women. Or maybe I just constantly go after the 'wrong' girl. Women themselves tell me how other women are bitches, maybe theirs really something to that. Its said women become bitches because guys become assholes, but who struck first? Is this really going to carry into my 20's,

Lately, my experiences with girls on the friendship level have been great. And I should feel content. I'm not attacking anyone who reads this post, specifically. I just feel utterly fustrated. More on this later.

morning calls

Let me enlighten you all to what I wake up to in the morning

we have this hellhound.. dont be fooled by its..."cute" appearance. the thing barks and jumps around me like im a piece of meat and by barking in the most annoying way pieces of steak will fall like its christmas. (p.s. if any women are reading, the thing about me being a piece of meat is not a myth, carry on) Anyway, its been in the house since June, and it just hasnt shut the fuck up since.







then we have this one. dont be fooled. their are six inch retractable claws underneath that pocket. ours looks like that, kinda. except its a lot bigger and a lot pudgier. and it's named after a 60's doll, thank you to its previous owner. I never saw her, but I'm betting she looked something like this



thanks grandma. next time you can name a cat cheech and make him get busted for 2 kilo's eh? anyway , that one only barks at me when company is over. But in the morning when I come in at 2 AM she sure is the first one to alarm the house that I exist. it was cute the first ..day . three years later, im a little annoyed by it.

oh and the best part about these dogs? whenever I eat, they surround me like a pack of vultures, either expecting me to die and devour my soul , or usually just demand I give them a little bite of food every nano second. what wouldnt they eat.. well, after exhausting research, ive concluded that they probably wouldnt eat a stormtrooper. the acid just doesnt go through the armor.



Run space man. run while you still can.



Anyway. I cant help but miss my cat, who is now an outdoorsmen, cut down in the prime of his old age by the presence of dogs. If this were translated to a person cruelty, it would be like me walking into an old age home, picking up an old man with no teeth that hands me a blank piece of paper claiming its his lottery ticket, driving about 50 miles to where there is no one around, and dumping his ass off. thanks parents. this cat has absolutely no hunting skills. It cant hunt mice anymore, hell it cant even hunt its own tail anymore. the thing gets tired so easily. in the morning I also wake up to his diotribe outside, justifiably. he just doesnt deserve to be outside.. you know who does?



the mere fact that someone wanted to do this makes me question why god gave us a strong sense of utter stupidity. Maybe he would be better off keeping us as fish. Because as soon as we hit land, it all went down hill. This is why certain people should be equipped with mirrors on them at all times, so they can see how much of an asshat they look like.

done ranting. this is what happens when I wake up before noon and dont eat my cereal first.

Latest from the simon archives

And there we have it. Its actually on the left side of my back which the picture does not correctly illustrate..at all.

Gasp.. I'm shocked.

I really wanna write a poem right now, but my brain really is on meltdown. This was a good christmas, and I should be happy about that. I really should. I didnt ask for much this year, but I got what I asked for, and besides my tuition was paid for me this semester so thats one of the best gifts, period. But I just feel so distant to some people whom I thought I was close to. I really went out of my way this year to wish almost everyone I talk to a merry christmas. and now that its over,I feel drained. I spent so much time writing letters to people, attempting to come up with everything nice Ive never said, or at least something really pleasant, because I really dont wanna hold back anymore with "the things you never say". I guess I spent so much time wondering that I never took a moment to just stop thinking and enjoy the holiday.

Oh, by the way.
"waves to the newest viewer of the simon journal"

Gonna end this post on a high note.

My favorite muppet

MEMEMEME MEME MEMEMEME MEMEMEME MEMEMEME MEMEME MEEEEEEMEMEMEME MEME MEME MEEE

Christmas with the Griswol's

Anyone else wish that Santa existed. Take out that realistic part of your brain for a second. Actually imagine a man that selfless as to deliver presents to everyone in the world. I think I would actually be just like I was when I was a kid; anxious as anything on christmas eve. Now, im up at 4:30 AM about to watch that 70's show and probably not get up till noonish.

I wanna be a kid again! I would gladly replace knowing what I do with still thinking grown ups were huge, sleepovers were awesome, and if I drank my milk i'd really grow up to be 6'1 and play for the NY Giants. I wish I could walk in the woods again and really imagine myself a leiutenant in a war, ducking inbetween tree's and calling out to my fake soldiers. I wish girls were JUST innocent crushes that I would deny if anyone actually asked me, but secretly desire to hold their hand or "gasp" get a kiss. And I wish getting a plastic toy from the drugstore was all it took to put a smile on my face, and on the way home, playing with my G.I. Joe or plastic pellet shooter that often broke the same day, I wish I still believed the singers on the radio believed in their lyrics. Hell, ill even take that I still think they WROTE their own lyrics.

I wish that the only problems in my life could just be cured by getting a bandaid that looked neat, or by taking a nap and then watching cartoons on nickelodean. I wish that when I see my parents fight, I still have no idea what their talking about, and could just go outside and continue imagining.

I wish I still believed in wishes, big or small
I wish I put that on my first christmas list
And that is all.

Goodnight
and Merry Christmas everyone :)

Wont you be an outlaw for my love

Theres a saying out there in this world that if somethings meant to happen, it will. And if it doesnt happen, it just wasn't meant to be. I both love and hate that saying. I hate thinking that something just might not meant to occur in my life, especially if I want it so bad. Everything thats occured so far to me has definitely dictated that everything happens for a reason, but sometimes thats just so fucking aggravating.

I'll be honest. I'm lonely. I just want someone to cuddle with and be close to, but I also realize that I really need to focus on my life and that all that stuff can wait, but in the heart of winter when your sitting by yourself at night, that realization can be easy to forget. It's so easy to sit up thinking of a situation in your head, playing out the thousands of possibilities the next six months have to offer. And then I hate life for forcing me to be patient in some area's, and then I hate myself for waiting this long to get serious about my future. I keep thinking, if I had done everything like I had supposed to, this wouldnt be happening right now.

I also hate life because sometimes its unfair to people who deserve it the least. My friend John who has had such a rough last six months, is one of the better guys in this world and he totally didnt deserve an ounce of the shit that was thrown at him. I really hope that this next year he finds happiness and things start going in his favor.

My sister who has made a lot of mistakes in her life but has always bounced back, she has gone through more rough spells than anyone I know, and why? How is it that some people seemingly have a smooth sail through their existance, totally dont appreciate it, and end up wishing they hadnt fucked up opportunities given to them. Then theres people who do everything right, are the "nice guy" or "nice girl", constantly have it hard, and just deserve better.

Christmas is a time for giving and being thankful for what is in your life. And what is in my life?

An awesome group of friends
A spring to look forward to
The whole rest of my life ahead of me
The realization of everything listed above

So, when it comes right down to it, if I had to change anything I did since June, it would probably be.. nothing. If theres the mere possibility I wouldnt be in the same mindset I am in now, I wouldnt exchange it for anything. Even if I could take back all the shit that happened to me in August and September, or all the moments when I made the wrong decisions, or focused too much attention on the wrong people. If I had to give advice to someone, here and now, it would be to never become a cynic. It's your life to appreciate and live, dont spend it sarcastically taking apart someone elses.


I'm out. peace

You

You

Pictures of your smile
Lodged in my brain between
Random thoughts and concrete wants
Never upgraded the camera
Soft crimson lips were always better in person
I miss the spring

My steps awkwardly circling
the hardwood floor where i left my dream
dancing around and around in ways foreign
learning steps and routines
leaving my old self in bad shoes and ripped jeans
weaving around an unsung beauty
your lips were always better in person
I miss the summer

Walking the still stale sand
Always close enough to merit a chuckle
but far enough to never hold your hand
never more desired to grasp five fingers
and all the while, a daze to the senses
My nose smell's bitter seawater
But my eyes gaze on those sweet lips
they were always better in person
I miss the fall

Awoken now are those dreams
Never to be comprimised or traded in
Sick of getting less than I asked
Never more than I bargained for
Given a second chance at the future
Nothing will take that away
But between the random thoughts and concrete wants
Wedged inside an infinite space
Those soft crimson lips
That I always wanted to kiss
They were always better in person
And i'll miss the spring, And i'll miss the fall
But if one day day we meet again, i'd tell you
I missed you most of all

...

I just got a popup add to win 2 free dinners to Chili's if I applied to 3 credit cards signed up for publishers clearing house and gave my left nut to the prospect of advancing a cure for polio.

how dare they slander the holy trinity known as the Chili's restaurant chain.


That is all.

Idle hands...

I cant fucking wait for school to start.. Wanna know what my schedule has been like for the last week

Sleep till 12-2 pm depending
Play WoW or Halo or write something
Eat
Go to Joe's apartment and chill out till 1 or 2 am
Come home and watch that 70's show

thats it.. wanna know whose getting more accomplished than me?



Burnt toast. yes. thats right. at least theres a conclusion to the toast's existence. Even when I start going to the gym again once this tattoo heals thats only going to be another hour or two of productiveness. I'd get a job, but at this point would I really want to work along with 18 credits worth of work? the answer..probably not. but my lack of funds is becoming quite a complaint of mine.

I made some awesome nacho's tonight. tripled the normal amount of cheese i'd normally put in. Gotta love those mexican's. Without them i'd be resorted to calling it "chips with cheese" or some other structured-like sentence. But thanks to old el paso now I can sum up my snack experience in one word; nacho's. Man, besides cheap labor and supplying the world's sweat shop's work force those little people sure are crafty!



Hi, I'm Mike'. We've had a lot of great laugh's tonight, but the important thing to keep in mind is, its not right to insult mexicans. Sure, they may be short, funny looking, and often times be seen carrying cement on their backs, but damnit their people too! And besides, without them, who would we look to be the literal building blocks for american industry? Canadians?

Peter Griffin in 3-d

coincidence? ...


wonder if this kid's quote was "HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE"

Family Guy Versus the Simpsons

I think at least once a month I bear witness to the debate of what cartoon is better, Family Guy or the Simpsons. I propose an answer that will quell the argument forever.




Who the fuck cares?

Both are different styles of humor and both are good for laugh's, so why does there have to be a "better". The Simpsons has been on for ten seasons, and there is no denying the great quality of episodes that have come out of that show. Those who say its gone downhill over the last couple of years really havent watched it consistantly, or are just nostalgic over the classic episodes. The humor behind it is both simplistic and "under the radar" so to speak; hell theres even a "The simpsons and philosophy" book released, giving an in depth analysis of each character.



Family guy? Spontanious humor, one dimensional characters. Nothing more, nothing less. There is no intelligent subtle humor involved. The show revolves around a consistant shock value that probably lasts longer than other comedy venues that have used the same style. Where the simpsons have constant parodies on our society, family guy is more or less a synopsis of every wacky idea the human intelligence has ever concieved while on drugs. In fact the closest thing to "real" about this show lies
in a poor boy who draws a striking resemblence to Peter Griffin. Picture above..

Sooooo

Okay, so last night I got the outline for my tattoo finished. for those who arent aware of what it is.. its the legendary symbol from halo, but instead of the two swords originally in the drawing, its gunblades with altered sword hilts. pictures below of what im talking about. im not uploading a picture of the actual tattoo until it gets colored in.

What the hell do they put in chicken nuggets?

I can eat about 40 of them and not be entirely full. What the hell? Thats like 3 pounds of meat but yet I just down them like they are sunflower seeds. I dont get it. They taste awesome (especially with ranch dressing), but I cant fill up on them if I tried. EVERY other type of fast food has a limit. I can only eat so many burritos or taco's. Only so many burgers, even chicken sandwhiches fill me up. but those goddamn contorted circle's just keep giving and giving.

Watching Dallas get their ass handed to them by Washington. Maybe the Giants will make the playoffs this year, and make it past the first round.

Speaking of complaints..

okay, so I have a gripe.

I really hate it when people get offended when other's use the term "retarded" freely. There are some people who think it a travesty and a sin, and these people need to really jump off their soapbox. Look, when I'm referring to something thats retarded, im not implying that the target of my slander is going to start drooling and auditioning for the next I Am Sam sequel, i'm simply saying that its rather absurd and/or dumb to the point of no return, and genuinely mind numbing.

For example,

"That sword is retarded"
I'm not implying the sword is slow or mentally impaired, im stating that an aspect of it is probably insanely designed or the power of it is off (or way under) the charts.


(after hearing story) What are you, retarded?!

Ever hear someone just tell you some tale where they do something so deliriously dumb you cant even believe it? No, I'm not making fun of the lesser quarter of our gene pool when I yell at my friend for cheating on his girlfriend, or taking horse tranquilizers (you know who you are :P)

It's not a racial slur, its not referring to a lifestyle choice (for most), and its not personally attacking anybody, in fact

"relatively slow in mental or emotional or physical development"
"Occurring or developing later than desired or expected; delayed"
" To cause to move or proceed slowly; delay or impede"

those are the definitions for it. My mother works with mentally challenged children and I fully respect what she does for a living. I probably would call some asshat who drove into a parked car retarded long before I refer to an actually deficient person as that.

There, off my soapbox and tired as all hell. tomororow ill probably wake up and realize this entry truly was offensive, but in the meantime, enjoy!

like a virgin......

Sidenote :

I found out my parents bought me the 40 year old virgin on DVD. Unless someone knows me they are usually shocked at the fact that I'm a virgin, but its not so bad. Of course occasionally theres incidents like the girl from the summer that was primarily interested in me BECAUSE I was a virgin, but I figure if ive waited this long, I might as well make it really mean something. I've had two opportunities to lose my virginity, one time I was part drunk and part actually scared by how aggressive the girl was (girl from the summer), and I kept thinking I didnt want my first time to be with a girl who was conked out of her mind and half naked attempting to thrust into me. Add into that I was still drunk out of my head and dizzy, not a good mixture.

The first actual time was with my ex, but it was such an awkward moment because I dont think either of us really wanted to lose our virginities to each other. It was near the end of the relationship, and neither of us knew what the hell we were doing. Not to mention I didnt want my first time to be in a sea of complaints and then a week of guilt trips, which was what pretty much happened after anything that happened sexually.

this was, after all the girl that asked to have a moneyshot on her face, then yelled at me for two days because "I didnt have good aim".

Oh well. I used to always say "by the end of this year, I will have lost it" or "I have to by the time im 22", but honestly im in no rush. What I really want, beyond anything else , is not only a high amount of confidence in myself, but I'd just like a great relationship. Nothing that a movie could be scripted out of, nothing based on pure lust, just a really good mutually enjoyful relationship. I want butterflies and random making out in the middle of a rainstorm for the hell of it. I want to be able to be myself and not feel obligated to act a certain way. I want someone to hold, but I want someone that wants to hold me too.

who knows. off to sleep.

Bane

God, warcraft is such a bane of my time. But its just so damn fun. As long as I dont let it impede on anything else I should be fine.

In other news, we still have to put up the christmas tree, and I cannot friggin believe that its christmas already. I know everyone says that every year, and then everyone usually fits in the "but this time, like for real man", but seriously, I feel like its still november and thanksgiving's around the bend.

I think I want to punch Chad Kroeger in the face. I'm not sure why exactly. I just think it would make me feel a lot better. I dont think Nickelback is the most horrible band in the world either, Someday and Figured you Out are halfway decent songs, but he's just the type of guy that you would really feel satisfaction out of knocking him to the floor.


So Pink Floyd + even more insanity = Electric Eels. Cant even begin to describe the kind of acid trip they must have been on while making their music.

I've been told one of the main reasons my blog has been visited semi frequently is the fact that chinese + handjobs was in the title.. perverts. I know asians have small hands and all, but seriously if your gonna look for porn in google at least up the scale to a blowjob. hmmm... in fact

Reporting from Uconn

So i'm spending my last time at Uconn for a couple of months. I'm gonna miss it, but I think that ive spent enough time here to be able to go to school and not let myself be distracted by the allure of escaping life for as much time as I did this semester. i actually hope I get to meet a ton of people in my classes, whether or not that happens is anyones guess.

I started talking again to a friend that I knew over the summer. Except this time things are different. Much different. And for the better too. My no girl policy I enacted for the spring might have to be overturned, thank god im not the U.S. constitution ...ZZING. eh, we'll see.

I'm staring at the medication ive been on for the last couple of months, and I dunno, if you told me at the beginning of the year id be on an anti anxiety, anti depressant and sleep sedative by october id consider you crazy. It's hard to place when everything started going downhill, but part of me is glad things happened like they did. Now i feel more on track than ever, and more close to my friends than ever.

Oh, and I found out my car can go 110, which for my car, is extremely impressive. Made it from Danbury to Storres in 45 minutes, which beats the time I did from Trumbull to storres.

I feel like I have so much more to say, but ill leave that for another post. have to leave my audience in suspense. :P

WoW startup

So I signed up again for world of warcraft. another month to be exact. dont know if i'll stay with it, but watching Abourne play it on his like 25 inch screen kind of motivated me to give it another go. Hopefully I wont put that much time into it, we all know my experience with MMO's :)

Roads were pretty crappy last night.

I kind of miss my chinchilla. Any animal that can be defined as "part squirrel part bunny" is pretty cool, plus he could jump literally from my foot to my shoulder. Not that he did that often. Half the time I let him out he ended up hiding , then around 5 am I would wake up to him on my chest staring at me. Maybe I just didnt give him a chance, but then again he did end up making my room smell wierd.

I kind of miss my ferrett as well. he was a lot more attentive, but smelled a hell of a lot worse. I dunno. he chewed up one of my xbox controllers, and messed up my remote for a couple of months, so that part about him I don;t miss. Last I heard he found a new home so I'm happy I made that call.

Three books you should read, if not strictly for irony

Brave New World
Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy
Catch 22 (though tis a bit taxing of a read)

That 70's show complaint

Okay, so I just finished shoveling a 6 inch deep driveway with 10 inch drift thanks to the plows which seem to love filling up the edge of it with packed in shit.

so, at the end of that 70's show season 3, Eric gives Donna a promise ring, which she gives back, because she doesnt know where her future will lead her,but she still really loves him. He , in turn breaks up with her because "If a future with me doesnt make you heartbroken then obviously i dont know what we're doing here".

What a selfish prick. Its things like that, that make me glad that ive changed in the last couple of years. Granted its just a show, I reaize, but being as if i had watched it a couple of years ago I might have actually agreed with him. Now, I think thats possibly the most pretentious reason for breaking up with someone,ever. Especially at that age. I'ts not right to want to tie someone down like that, if they want to be with you, they will. If they dont, you wouldnt want them to stay just because they have some ring on their finger you gave them.

It kinda makes me wish that I had treated a couple of situations differently. Given more space. Not been such a jealous boyfriend/kid or insecure to the point of letting it bleed into a relationship. I'm not complaining how things turned out, because if they hadnt, I might have never realized this. But it still makes me cringe how I acted a couple of times.


Think tonight is going to be halo filled... as if every night isnt.

So

Elliott Smith - Thirteen

Good song. covered by Garbage but original much better IMO.

at 5:41 in the morning, when you stay up all night waiting for snow, then sit outside for an hour thinking, pretty much everything right now is moot.

It's always been hard to picture the future for myself. But lately its becoming more and more clear.

You ever notice this time of year almost always causes people to reflect. Something about the weather, or maybe all the holidays and how much closer people get. It almost reminds you of whats truly special in your life. For christmas this year im writing everybody letters. Because I think sometimes when we're all caught up in our lives, we forget to tell those close to us what we really feel, because we almost feel like its implied in our actions. just a thought.

Coldfire

Has anyone read the book "coldfire" by Dean Koontz? Such an awesome book. I love how he always finds a way to give his novels meaning, or at least convey the beauty of life, even within a novel about someone who has a murderistic mage-like dark side. "The Taking" similarly has the same message, with a completely different storyline. I'd begin to describe what happens, but that would just ruin the book.

Just registered for courses. Six to be exact. I'ts gonna be a busy semester. But I get from now until January 26th to relax so its not that bad, plus this whole last six months. I guess thats a pretty good deal. I also found out that I will be able to subsitute teach by the summer, which should be interesting.. I mean whoever thinks the road to becoming a pyschologist involves telling fourth graders what to do :)

top 15 songs I listen to almost non stop

Lifehouse - Everything
Something about the non discreet point the lyrics weave around. Whoever the writer intended these lyrics for, the person literally was everything to them. Plus the melody is soothing.

Jimmy Eat World - Disintegration
Off of the new EP, again, amazing lyrics. If you want it sent, you know my SN so just ask :P

Right where it belongs - NiN
One of those "makes you wonder" songs. I'd describe it more, but youd only really appreciate it by listening

Book of love - Peter Gabriel
Almost the exact opposite reason why I like this one as opposed to "everything". Again, has to be listened to to be appreciated

Building a Mystery,Silence (Delerium),I'll take your breathe away - Sarah Mclaughlin
Yes I like a girl singing to me sometimes. sue me :P She has awesome lyrics, and the song Silence (Delerium)has such a unique sound. (plus I watched a fanmade video of FF8 to it which rocked)

The way I am - Eminem
Because sometimes its nice to tell someone to shut the F*** up when they accuse who you are and what you stand for. It seems like the more unique of a person you become, the more you are challenged by those who seem to enjoy accusing you of being unoriginal or alteriorly motived.

Best of you - Foo Fighters


What Sarah Said - Death Cab for Cutie
Now, I could go off about this album being in my car cd player for a good month non stop, but this song definitely stands out on it. has probably one of the more unique descriptions of love "Love is watching someone die. So whose gonna watch you die?"

Funeral for a Friend - Janeau
Thanks to john for introducing this band to me. Just love the song. No particular reason.

Monchetti - Further Seems Forever
Same as above.

Boulevard of Broken Dreams - Green day
Has a loneliness mantra that I just connect to.

Mixed Tape - Jack's Mannequin
Listened to this song shortly after I found out the lead singer (same from something corporate) had leukemia. amazing song. the whole album is just amazing.


thats it for now. (note, the list went from top 5 to top 10 to top 15, god I cant decide :P )

This just in..

what an amazing idea

http://www.exploratorium.edu/visit/tactile_dome/


Its a giant football sized dome, in total and utter darkness, a complete maze. Supposedly while your in it, all your other senses are enhanced, provides for an almost tripped out experience.....

ROAD TRIP!

So we eat on average...

I read tonight that people actually are fearful of eating a spider while they sleep..

First of all, who could be afraid of anything while your passed out. You wouldnt even know if you ate a spider, period. If they even had a taste, youd probably chock that up to morning breath and go rinse your mouth with chemicals worse for you than the spider.

Secondly there are something like millions and millions of microscopic bugs sleeping in your bed with you. Does it matter? do they really bother me? I cant see them, and they dont affect my sleeping experience (yes, I know that they are an allergen to some people but by golly thats what plastic sheets are for!).

To me sleeping is an absolute form of freedom. Our brains are literally free of outside influence, and can go off to wherever it wants. Whats the easiest (most painless) way to die? in your sleep. If a nuclear bomb was to go off, would you rather be conscious, or sleeping underneath your blanket. Who cares what happens to you when your sleeping.

oh p.s. heres the original article about the spiders
http://www.halfbakery.com/idea/Spider_20Early_20Warning_20System

in other news. ..
whats the point in watching it? Every day its just story after story of death and destruction because seemingly our president has a bug up his ass and wont remove our troops. You know theres a word for how he feels, obsessed. I'm almost glad I have asthma so if there was a draft I could give a big fuck off to the enlistment board.

We need more dancing bears on the TV. And less reality TV. The only acceptable comprimise would be a reality show about dancing bears.

irish

houston, we have liftoff!

Aaah, water, natures fruit juice..

So I just spent 20 minutes drawing Curaga/Blizzaga/Firaga/Thundaga from a meaningless soldier in FF8. The justification for a guy with 500 ish hp having those spells is absurd. I personally think its a mistake considering the guy himself only casts fira cura etc etc.

I need to write more poetry. Its wierd as I'm slowly getting older I am beginning to care less and less of responses I get what I write. It is for my benefit after all. When I was younger, and even not so younger, I used to believe that a good poem could change how a person feels, or impact them in some way. But the reality of it is, that mindset is both selfish and unrealistic. Girls, for example, wont fall over you because it takes you 8 stanzas to basically say "I think your beautiful, hey lets date". If their into you, their into you and they will like the poem. If they arent, the benefits of writing are purely theraputic dealing with the fact that said girl isnt into you.

The poem I wrote below is mainly a lament. I see a situation, that I really want to be in, but I dont think its going to happen. But of course, me being me, when I think about said situation, I cant help but pour something out onto "paper", because it helps me deal with how I feel and accept the unlikelyhood behind those feelings.

Growing up, all I wanted to do was be great to someone. Be that rock solid person someone could rely on and pour their problems to and id at least be able to help them through onto better days. Or just be a great boyfriend. Romantic, understanding, blah blah the whole nine yards. I dont think I put much thought into it, beyond the notion that its a fucking great feeling when you help someone or make them happy. Now.. im not even sure what I want to do. My first girlfriend, though she treated me like shit a good half of the relationship, called me her hero one night because she felt like she could always rely on me to make things right and be there for her. And even though things turned out so badly, I still remember how great I felt that night when I heard those words. I dont believe I'll be in another relationship for a while, but if I could ask for one thing for my next situation, it would be to be with someone that puts as much energy as I put into them, into me. I dont think its much to ask for. I briefly dated someone over the summer who put maybe half as much energy into me as I did them, and it didnt take me long to realize they werent for me,just much longer to accept it.

And furthermore, while im on this tangent, id like to post a rhetoric question. Is it hypocritical for someone who considers themself a romantic to look at porn? It's something ive been thinking about lately. I'd say its a form of objectifying women, but then again 99 percent of them volunteered for the job. And as long as you know its an illusion and that women should never be handled that way (unless they want to of course), is it really a defamation of my own values?

Always

Your discreetly amazing, You are a pain
You smell like a summer rose, And your sweet like autumn's rain
And whether or not its meant to be, And whether or not you believe
I know my time around you was forever priceless
By a smile that reminded me to breathe

And my fear of heights will always bother me
And I think physics I'll never understand
But will that ever matter when I finally know
What that feeling was when I held your hand

And I believe in you,
in a way my faith cannot pardon
And I know that someday
Your smile is meant for stardom

And time is sometimes tricky
And one day we may not speak
And one day my words might not reach you
..And fate won't let me peak

But my life is just beginning
And few things can I define..
But im fortunate to know what beauty is
Because your picture holds that sign

And whether or not its meant to be
And whether or not I'll ever understand
I'll always remember your smile
And I'll always want to hold your hand

Symphonica

So I got a tattoo on Saturday. I used to wear a celtic cross all the time, but the chain kept on breaking, so I figured this way it would be on me to stay. I'd have to say im pretty happy how it came out.


In other news, in a geek move I decided to replay all the final fantasy games 1-10, backwards in order. That of course includes Tactics and Mystic Quest. I beat 10 the other day, and now im working on 8 because I wanted to give the game another chance. It's actually turning out to be quite fun.

Words 2

Paul Simon - Father and Daughter

Great song. Earlier I commented about the purest of loves being between father and daughter. The reason why I like this song is the selflessness behind it. There is no motive behind his words, no alterior motive. There are no masks that hide behind the lyrics.

And p.s. paul simon is regarded as

"soft rock
singer/songwriter
folk"

His lyrics have merit; a purpose. Words have five purposes.
To compliment
To hurt
To preach
To complain
To entertain

"A compliment is a soft kiss masked through a paper veil".

And thats why I like the song. Even I could benefit to be so selfless in my writing.

Words

So I had a session with my therapist yesterday which was most interesting. As it turns out, im still genuinely angry with some people from a long time ago, who have probably forgotten it by now, but back in the day I still resent. I guess from high school, which.. okay. how shall I put it.

Back when I was in high school, I was pretty much the verbal punching bag for many, some of which were close to me. And it made me pretty angry at the time, but I repressed it. Time passed. And some of the same people whom are still in my life, I now react to by ignoring, or just not really making a priority, as my own "way" of getting back at them. So I dont know where to go from here.

Rerun Deja vu

Has anyone ever noticed that when you occasionally do try and catch reruns of a show, its usually ones youve already seen. Even though you know youve probably only been able to watch 1/4th of the entire series, somehow the producers have the same mind as your own when picking which episodes to put on.

TNT is showing 5 hours a night of Xfiles, so much for sleep. I think im going to watch the marathon known as the LoTR trilogy tomorrow as well. Got nothin else to do.

If I Gave it All Away for One Thing, Just One Thing

Just got up from a super long nap by a mister Joe Maione. But its okay because if anyone can wake me up and get away with it, its probably him.

I feel like half a person. I finally have the social skills and am able to conduct myself in a semi- productive manner. I quit CoH and WoW because it finally hit me that they are gargantuan wastes of time, and although I dont have my priorities straight, I have the sense to know they arent a part of them. Basically I feel like any situation I put myself in I wont be 100 percent for, either physically or mentally, its always been this way but the clarity behind it now is impeccable. Everything I do is a step in the right direction, but how many steps must I make before I feel caught up. Will I ever? In the middle of August I was in great physical shape, and now I dont even know if I can run for 10 minutes; thats the next area of my life to reconquer. The one upside behind those caffeine pills is my asthma nearly went away while on them ( caffeine has been proven to help open the lung passageways), and now that im off them i dont feel that way anymore.

Bend Your Arms to Look like Wings

Aaah. breakfast and lunch combined into the universal snack of champions : Nacho's.

So I waited an hour and a half today at the Doctors Office, ended up rescheduling because there was no way im wasting half my day just to be asked if my prescriptions are working. I'm alive, so their probably working.

This friday I'm heading up to Westconn for Crunksgiving. The mere fact that a documentary is being made simply for the event automatically declares it a success. Then on saturday im heading to uconn for part two of the festivities; between the two days I should wind up either having a blast or on the street with one kidney, either way im looking forward to it.

Did anyone else know that Aquaman has super human strength while underwater? That makes him slightly less homosexual. Apparently the comic writers got the hint that talking with fish just doesnt cut it.

About to go play some halo. WHEN DOES IT END! I dont really think I could improve on my skills at this point, but theres only two months left on my xbox live subscription so when that runs out so does my playtime

Its Time To Make The Doughnuts

So im up early. I was actually up at 3AM. Thats what happens when you fall asleep after taking a sedative at 10:30. I'm probably going to take a walk, come back, and ponder the existance that is my life. It's so wierd, sometimes im really optimistic about things, and then other times I feel like its a hopeless race to the finish.

In other news. I am starting to feel it again. The romantic Zing that I had lost for a couple of months. and im starting to get in touch with friends that I hadnt spoke to for a while as well. Kinda making me feel happy.

I watched Smallville last night for the first time. I have to say its not a bad show. I mean, the acting wasnt the best, but I really liked how their building up to when he starts working at the Daily Planet. You can tell its meant to be a teen grabber though, with most of the storyline revolving around Clark and Lonna. I'm downloading the episode where he ends up fighting Aquaman; it should be noted that only the WB would attempt marking a hero that can talk with fishes.

This Wouldnt be a Simon Blog if ..

This was taken shortly after High School Ended.
amazing that was 3 years ago.
kinda glad it was too..

Reporting From

I just watched Batman Begins and I have to say that its probably one of the best movies ive seen this year. Fucking incredible. From beginning to end, especially end;flawless.

Played some Halo 2, had a good talk with John.



And as for the rest of the night,

Only the shadow knows!

Tuesday Morning

waking up in the morning has such a redeeming quality to it. for the first couple seconds you just dont care about anything, and your not even thinking. Granted, your breath stinks,and you cant see too well. But you just kinda lie there wrapped up in blankets thinking so many benevolent thoughts.

And then you have to make the decision.

Do I start this day, and possibly risk having it get worse than this very moment when the blankets are my shield and the pillow is my sword.

Or do I fall back asleep

And pretend this is just a dream that I can fix in my little head
on this little bed
and just wanting some things to be :)

And Heres One For the Homies

I just played a couple of hours of FFX, man what a good RPG. You dont really appreciate a good RPG until years later when you can take the time to understand the plot.

That being said

Theres some REALLY annoying scenes in that game

Yuna convincing Tidus to laugh. HA-HA-HAH-HAH-HAH- that's how everyone laughs!...
same with him convincing her to whistle. you dont whistle with two fucking fingers deepthroated in your mouth. I wasnt sure if he was trying to show her how to whistle or how to audition for Debbie Does Dallas.

Anyway, its been 2 days since ive been at uconn. its so fucking quiet here. I'm tempted to blast my speakers, but at 2 AM I dont think thats possible.

Zombies Ate My Neighbors

As I put in my away message, I am in the mood to kill zombies; a ton of zombies.

but heres the thing. consider this. if a zombie has the strength to rip through 6ft of dirt and rise to the surface, thats pretty damn strong. would a bullet really pierce through his zombie flesh, or bounce off like superman? I think I'd wanna be drunk. that way if something did happen to me i wouldnt really feel much....OH, and if you turn into a zombie while your drunk, do you become a zombie or a drunk zombie. do zombies have alcohol tolerance? hmmm. you have to think that if almost the entire world consists of zombies, then some of them must have been drunk at the point of "turning". and if zombies exist, then wouldnt vampires do the same?

then that poses the question/xhasperation

OH MY GOD A ZOMBIE/VAMPIRE BATTLE!!! TONS OF VAMPIRES AND TONS OF ZOMBIES!

and what about werewolves? im sure if zombies and vampires exist then why not werewolves? AND.. my biggest point. what about the spirits of the people that turned into zombies, would they have some way to combat the zombies?

spin that bitches

"there and back again"

So I just got back from spending close to two weeks (8 days and then 5 days in a row) at uconn. I dont think I spent one night sober, okay.. maybe one. I made friends with most of the acting majors, and made out with a pyschology major (does that count for credits.. I have to check)

And yet what comes out of this? I stopped caring, thinking every little significant thing in my life has to mean something. I used to take every little event as some epiphany, and now, literally "whatever". it was nice just taking every day and enjoying it. I ate my ass off and didnt give a shit if i gained a smidgette of a pound. I talked to so many people and didnt care if it turns into something ,in fact I preferred it didnt.

and now im home. it almost felt like i had been on vacation, everything here is actually slightly foriegn. I gotta get back into a routine of some sort, but I consider today 'burnout'from the last two weeks.

me and joe beat xmen legends 2 in less than 3 days.. im not sure to be proud of that or a little sad, but we did it! it involved an all nighter and many many drinks but we got it done. (of course I left the game there, almost symbolically). And it rained all 8 days I was there, to be said by this girl laura who refers to me on a consistant basis as "mike simon" , not mike, not simon, but both combined "well if it rains for 32 more days its the apocolypse". well said. its kind of ironic that the rainiest week of the year was the most fun for me.


as my neurologist told me last week "life is beautiful" yes, yes it is. and I have to start taking advantage of it in every single way.

p.s.

New Franz Ferdinand album = awesome
Jimmy Eat World EP = awesome
and that damn killers album keeps winding up on my playlist.

"Alternative Home"

well ive been at uconn essentially since friday. heading to admissions today and financial aid to see if I can get in for next year. I: used to think that if I went to a school like this id be distracted, but honestly I think what I need is to throw myself into a situation where I have to go. Community is too optional for me I think; at least i'd like to think thats what it is.

walked/lifted some this weekend for the first time in a month ish, definitely was more taxing but feels good to be getting back on track.

Cant wait to get the new Jimmy Eat World. I got the new Death Cab for Cutie the other day, pretty damn good

You know, maybe its the whole scare i had earlier, but it really irks me when people avoid situations of potential joy because of the potential risk of being hurt. Life is waaaaay too short and before you know it, its gone. As Kevin Spacey says in American Beauty
"I quickly loved every moment of my small, meaningless life"

I need to make myself happy, but you know how awesome it would be to make someone else happy? eh, one day.

huzah?..

wrote a new poem this morning. Its about closure. I kinda like it. Inspired by the new death cab for cutie album, which incidently is amazing.

anyways, let me know. I cant really say its about anything in particular, because its not. I think I just have a hard time with closure , in general.


I learned about your eyes on the morning news
piercing with humble beauty
I stumbled about to remember myself
But was caught gazing at the screen.

I heard your voice carry across the room
soothing with melodic bliss
I tried so hard to hear what you used to say
I wish I could remember what you said
when I asked you to stay

The weather report told me it was fall
when all good things huddle close for warmth
Your touch was always so soothing
But I am caught trying to recreate
Thoughts of you in everyone else

My hearts a rowboat, floating in a lake
surrounded by every reason to stay afloat
gazing outward at beauty in every direction
Trying to ignore the hole filling with water
While reliving your every smile
One for every day I held you
And another for every hour you were mine

I'm holding the remote
knowing one day ill be watching another show
remembering another pair of eyes
that will look back at me
There is no comfort in images given freely
but earned through tears once fallen

Maybe when im no longer holding the remote
And dust has collected on a screen once so clear
Maybe when im far from the comforter
that used to wrap us up so dear
Maybe when our love is no longer tainted
Maybe when our hearts are clean
Then maybe I can learn all over again
Why you were the most beautiful girl I had ever seen

I wrote this the other day. Thoughts? gonna leave comments open


..Cold calamity
half bane..half godsend.
You turn off
The warmth
leave me freezing
rigid.
without light
so cold.
I fight to scape
walls suffocate
trapping me in
..so cold
I see your reflection in a mirror
..you look..
calm
collected
straight faced
I gasp for breath
You are not amused
our beginning is blocked
I scramble
sweat
I want air
breathing..so sweet
your smell, your lips.
let me breathe!
you yawn..
deft of desire
..so cold
no way out
my fingernails scratch
ice scrapings fall
painfully etching at my skin
freezerbun
doesnt matter
you are not amused
the reflection
you are walking away.
I cannot breathe
scraping,fighting.
I punch the walls
they do not give in
to petty boys.
with their petty stories
I scream your name
it echos
ice traps the sound
so cold..
I miss your kiss..
so warm
I want to breathe!
..you are not amused
everything dims
light waves goodbye
kisses me on the forehead
where you did..
takes my hand
like you have..
I see the mirror
you look.
sad.
tears freeze
down your rosy cheeks
rosy like
what got us here.
red
.passion
your finger on the trigger
.just pull
I WANT TO BREATHE!
please..
knees scrape the ice
I stare at you
beauty without contempt
you are not amused
I shake the mirror
Glass fighting to stay together
like my heart
like me..
I WANT TO BREATHE
I want to kiss
to feel you
nights in your bed
so warm
like your lips
red.
passion
I cant see
eyelids close
I whisper your name.
parting to utter such a noun
my last word..
your lips
so warm
my mind pictures you
staring from the mirror
long hair still
brown eyes..
last wish
thoughts slow.
please stay..


you are not amused.

"but are you brave enough"

Went running today at like 8. it was nice to excersize again in the AM. IT feels so wierd doing without the pills though. Like my energy feels totally different.

My new schedule

- Workout
- Writing
Work (if applicable)
Workout (pm)
Reading
Then whatever..

I gotta start getting serious with the things I want to do eventually. Pyschology and English. I spent far too much time wondering about the two subjects and not enough getting to know them both. Ive decided my area of English is poetry. I dont think im patient enough to write anything past a few pages; and my mind doesnt even go that far.

And now for my battle plan!

"your own disaster"

I wish just for once I could post about having a normal week and doing normal things, but I cant. I cant just sit here and list "well I watched this, and then I saw this, and then I took a crap, and then this", but thats not what I like to write about. Ultimately this journal is to reflect my thoughts, not my actions, unless they have a direct impact on my thoughts.

I worked this week for a couple of days and it felt pretty good to be outside sweating my balls off utterly exhausted. I complained about it at the time but I like working outside. it's refreshing and definitely clears my mind.

theres a side of me that I dont show people often, especially if I dont want them to see it. Its my "cynical not so optimistic side". its my "well ill be an ass or a dick", its my not take everything lying down side. and it should be a part of me always but if there were switches to parts of your personality its default would be "off". I have such a self righteous attitude that most people wouldnt like it so I keep it at bay most of the time. Especially with "them", I hide it, and its not that I take everything sitting down and am completely unaware of whats going on around me. its that im letting it happen because I dont mind playing the role of "being served". It gets peoples jollies off so I dont mind it. But that is until someone comes along and pisses me the fuck off. Then its a different story.

I remember when I was a kid, whenever I showed that side of me, the cynical side, I was basically scolded to be more optimistic and cheery, and I think thats what made a good part of what I am today. but its tiring being nice, its exhausting being optimistic, and its really annoying being cheery. I have let people say some shit to me that other people would have punched them in the face for. And I do it willingly, fully aware of how I should react. well I think I should alter that " a tad". I dont think its as easy as flipping that shit on, but we can give it a try.

poem.

My concerns are rendered moot with the
warm
breathing touch
of your voice
For with it I am powerless
Happily complying to it with
a boyish grin
Nodding with a smile
And wanting a neverending story
with an oh so perfect ending
the thing is.
only you will know
what im talking about
Memories of our kisses
Melding with caressing
your soft back.. shoulders
tickling your neck with a breath
my ear quivering
a lick is all it takes
so wont you comply with my wishes
and indulge me

so wont you moan for me?
oh wont you pant
I demand your voice echo sinful pleasure
trickles of sweat
drip...drip .. drip
sliding down your smooth skin
licking them ; my hunger is fed
oh wont you!
cant you!
.. will you
kisses to your naval
wet and informal like your desheveled hair
swaying about with wild abandon!
you torture me with licks..
sway my grins
you suck..
oh wont you pant
oh wont you!
cant you!
will you...
We dance around the subject
ballerina's in your bed
my toungue tiptoes about
tantalizing.. you grip my shoulders
bite my chest
your teeth marvel my senses
I want.. more! MORE!
more biting!
I lick, I flick.
You bite
It's so right
innocence thrown to the wind
your thigh taunts me
.. and you suck
wont you pant !
oh wont you!
cant you!
will you
my eyes roll back
I hear you giggle
deeper, angels turn their eyes
trickles of you dance around my skin
bouncing with our movement
my hands grip your side..tight
my legs lock around yours... tighter
you sink in.. tight.
you pretend to squirm.. we laugh
you lick my cheek,
we kiss
our toungues swaying
mute words of affection
I want more
.. oh wont you
cant you
will you
my eyes close!
resistance is suppose to be easy
but you make me.. it. so hard
so close now..
Faster we dance
delivering an encore!
you bounce faster
hastening every inch
your body is my prison
you wont let me out!
oh wont you
cant you
will you
let me..


YOU CANT HAVE ME!
slams into my head
a sledgehammer to my desire

We suspend time
The wood under your deck whispers
such material so envious of such angellic lips
but fallen trees will never enjoy the trappings of a kiss
And I will never be able to shout
joyously
invigoratingly!
from these doomed tree's breathing, breathtaking, brethren
that you are mine
I unstrap the clothes that bind
your perfect body
(paused )
But you are mistaken!
Such imposing challenge will not leave me shaken
......And such fine lips
........... and such fine hips
cupping your face
till the ends of the earth will I chase
a face
a chase
With such big brown eyes
surveying your conquered territory
staring back into mine
and so come with me
and lets suspend time
tick tock
I hear the strands of an ending
come
the world is our playground
and ill have you back by sunrise
a face
a chase
my hands
your waist
We've lost our minds
Yet ive never felt so sane
kissing your hips
my hands slide down
oh wont you for tonight
kneel
breathe me in
rapture dons a face
your big brown eyes slide inward
come, lets conquer the earth


ill have you back by sunrise....

"Fresh start"

Fresh start.

Well as fresh as it can be .

Feelings ~ Confident. Content. Serious.

What I think is that I throw way too much shit around like its everyones buisness, and then im surprised when they react the way they do.

That being said. We all have problems. All of us. If your reading this, then you probably have something wrong with you. Whether it be an addiction or depression or a general case of extreme cynicicsm, its there. I have problems. What are they?

- Need to build my confidence
- Need to get a job
- Need to be stronger
- Need to be more assertive
- Need to stop worrying about what other people think

Im only 21. I have a long road ahead of me before I'm at that point where im in a very stable situation. I still want to go out and have fun, and I still got maybe a year of housatonic left before I can transfer to a four year school with my associates. Seriously, everyone needs to hop off my dick. I'm not going to sink into a cespool of depravity, im not going to sit here in my room, im not going to lose myself.

I need to get very serious with myself, and the last thing I need is someone on my case. My apologies to anyone ive came to in the past for advice acting like a brainless twit, but that area of my life is over now.

I have more respect for someone that comes to me telling me they want to fix a problem, than everyone else who ignores their own. Keep that in mind. I ignored my own for such a long time, and now im finally addressing them. its not the shortest process in the world, but im making an attempt.

"your using all your looks that youve thrown from the start"

So my cars battery died last night. I'm having it looked at this morning to see if the battery is completely dead or just needs a charging. It was kind of in an awkward moment too, blocking in half the party at maiones house. But its okay, szabes and I got it home.

I had a good July 4th. Left a couple tipsy voice mails, played some football, went to the beach, ate some pretty good food, swam, and passed out on a white carpet!

It's day one of getting used to my day without talking to someone. A very wierd feeling. It was wierd when i broke up with ashley, but not this wierd. I think its because when I ended things with ashley, I felt like everthing had been over for a while. There really isnt a guidebook to break habits, not ones like these anyway.

But , I have to move on. I've said my goodbyes, not in person because god knows we cant have that, but in an e-mail.

You know, just figured id throw this out there. I used to read blogs and journals and think "god I dont want mine to be whiney and all about relationships", but what else am I supposed to write about? It's not like anyone genuinely cares or gets benefit from my opinion on movies, sports, or anything else that matters. So if i'm going to take the time to bitch about something, it might as well be about something meaningful.

Wakeup Call

The transition is hard, im not going to lie. It's wierd talking to someone that you used to flirt with and now only being able to joke around like a buddy. And its not even like the feelings disappeared, their put on hold;frozen. Their reserved for a better time, and a better place , with the same person. I need to grow up. I need to. Thats what it has to be.

I cant afford to stay like I am. You know its wierd I hate being dramatic about stuff, but I think ive earned enough "Drama points" to throw this shit out. And I'm afraid. I'm afraid that one day my bubbles going to pop and reality is going to sink in and im going to sit here and realize finally that, you dont have to see something to know what it is, but to fully understand it is quite another story. You know how wierd it is to discuss a relationship put on hold with someone whom you havent even met yet? I swear to god the people who invented the internet had no idea what kind of shit this would do.

I figured out the amount of minutes I talked; 14,400 minutes over the course of 3 months. in perspective thats about two weeks of straight talking. (thats a lot). Talking to someone that is both so much different than me, and yet so similar. Someone stronger in a lot of ways, except the one way that is required for what we wanted; a relationship. Do I blame them? No. I dont. I sometimes wonder why I want one so much. Why do I? can I even answer that question? The last one left me feeling broken and branded with bitterness that took me about four months to get fully out of me. So why do I still feel encouraged and all gay and optimistic. Why arent I one of the bitter ones yet? Do I just not get it? Is my brain that stubborn? am I that stubborn?

But for all my bitching, and all the complaining I just did, I'd rather be in the friends zone in a thousand ways more than be not in their lives. I would rather be where I am, then someone who gets 40 minutes of her, or only an hour, or only a couple brief fleeting moments. She's someone who everyone should have in their lives, if nothing else, well, then to make things interesting. A smart girl who can drive..jigga wha?. I swore to myself earlier this year that I would never want to be put in the friends zone again, well, I lied.

Theres a thousand good things I can say about this person, probably more if you actually gave me time, a list, some pancakes, a bottle of JD, a few ciggeret.. okay, you get the point. And the bad ones? I think of one and it gets replaced by about ten good things. And then sometimes I cant even think of it. She lied to me and I dont care. I understand it.. somehow. someway. in the back of my mind its justified in such a way that I dont even feel as betrayed as I should. I cant get mad because the last week i've fought and fought and fought and got so in someones face, more than I ever have before, that by the time monday came around, I was out. I was out of steam, I was out of wanting to feel bad things.

What I dont think anyone understands, is that while I might need to get out and have some fun more often, I dont need to meet a whole bunch of girls. And this girl isnt holding me back directly or indirectly, its not like that. Its not like that at all. The best way I can put it is. I want everyone who graces my life to have an impact or have a special place, or have had a role. I want every person whose lips touch mine, to know who just kissed them. To know what that meant for me and because I kissed them that means all the more to both them, and myself. I want it to count. Not because I'm a conservative prude, but because I dont think I'm equipped for anything else. It's not that I havent had any other girls to kiss, its that I dont think any other girls have had a place in my heart , or had a special place with me in some time, and this girl found a way inside me. It takes a lot for a girl to get to that level with me, I mean, theres been four girls I can count that I've felt that way with, and out of those one ive kissed. I want to be a rarity, and I want to be special. and maybe for the first time in a while, because of this girl, I believe that I am.

Feelings right now.. I'm happy. I'm content. I'm anxious to get shit done. I dont want to ever hear 'the best deceptions' by dashboard ever again.

And I'm scared. I'm scared because there is a chance this summer that I might hear something I might not like and freak out. I'm scared because ive never emotionally had to deal with this before. Had to happen sometime right?

I The thing is, that settles me above all else. She doesnt want anything to get in her way. And I cant honestly promise that I wouldnt, at least not now. I cant swear to god cross my heart all that shit that I wouldnt indirectly , even if I pushed her so hard, cause a delay in something because my being around caused a comfort and a slack. She wants to do so much, and she will. she really will. And the fact that I know I wont hinder it is actually a pretty good feeling.

So, whats left to say. The feelings are on hold . its not that we dont like each other, because we do. Were we living in an illusion.. I cant say that. What I feel is real, what she feels is real. and if it wasnt real then this wouldnt have been a big deal in the first place. I genuinely believe that if something is meant to happen, they will happen. there is no doubt in my mind about that. None. Fate might work in really fucked ways, but it never fails to deliver.

We talked tonight. And we talked about how she hopes I am not in a rush to get through the friends time span of our relationship. Its not that I'm in a rush. Its not that I'm anxious to rush through it. I mean in a way itll be just like it always has been ,just without the promises and the flirty talk and all that shit.

So what is it then.
For the last three months I got a glimpse of what it would be like to be with this person. I got their personality, raw and unbridled. I got them. and for once, it wasnt distorted or jaded by their looks, or anything materialistic or the things that fuck shit up. I got who they really were; who not many people get to see. And I can say, without a doubt, that I loved it. I loved every minute of it, because it wasnt someones looks that kept me coming back for more, or some kind of comfort or this that and the other thing, but it was them. Really think about that for a second, for two weeks of straight talking I somehow found something to say to this girl, and it didnt let up. There wasnt a stale moment I can think of, not a one. Talked about everything, maybe too much.but definitely not enough. I didnt even talk that much to ashley and I dated that girl for a year and a half, this girl what ? three months in. So what do I think.
thats gotta be worth somethin. thats got to mean something. if life contains any of what I believe in, if being a romantic means what I think it means, if any of my beliefs are true, then when all is said and done, it will mean something.

What it is?

We're too be continued. In every word that sentence contains, thats what we are. I cant spell out whats going to happen. And at this point, I dont want to. Ive thought too much about the future. I dont want vows of silence. I want to keep talking. A lot. I want "the no seatbelt song" to still remind her of me. But for the first time in months, I want us to be able to smile about it, not sit there in an awkward silence not knowing what to do.

"this is to a girl who got into my head
with all the pretty things she did
hey, you know, you keep me up in bed
this is to a girl who got into my head
with all the fucked up things I did
hey, maybe, baby, you could keep me up in bed
my Konstantine
spin around me like a deam
we played out on this movie screen and i said
did you know i missed you
oh god I miss you"

Life.
3 months of talking. such highs. such lows. amazing. awesome.
1 week without her, putting things in perspective
the rest of our lives to figure this shit out.
"shrugs".

maybe its time I just shut the fuck up. I might have said too much tonight..but then again.. definitely not enough :)

"there will be a hidden message of a boy who likes a girl"

So.

Life is definitely interesting. How fast and drastic some things can change in the course of a week. What I realized is I really do draw other people into my buisness, which is something I need to work on. But as of today, my buisness stays my buisness.

I need to do a lot of work this summer, but more importantly, I want things to happen. I want the summer to end with all the promise of what it started with.

Nothing worth it in life is easy, simple, care free. they say that whatever you want, whatever that one thing is, its outside your comfort zone. I believe that.

So... yeah

So thanks guys for the comments.. really um. didnt help at all?

As it turns out, she had been in NY for quite some time, just didnt tell me. maybe a week, maybe a month, maybe a couple months, I dont know. And you know the wierd part? I dont care. I understand why someone would do that. I genuinely dont care. It does make sense now why she picked fights, it must have been eatin at her the constant lying about being in Florida.

I asked her via voice mail to tell me if theres anything else that she was hiding. Its not like I think everything was a lie now, its just that I want to know the important stuff. We talked almost 24/7, so I really dont think she was seeing someone and not telling me. However, I STILL think the way she reacted on Monday shows me that something else happened. Theres a difference between not wanting to talk to someone, and coming back the next day with a different attitude. I know that I shouldnt be so curious about it but my mind is constantly going to wonder whether or not shit happened. She said that she had done things that I couldnt handle, but honestly lying to me about Florida isnt something major for me. I dunno. I can accept it. I think theres some things that I would have a much bigger problem a bout, and its those things that keep me wondering. She was rather pissed off at all the comments, but didnt confirm or deny them either. Was just pissed about them. I dont know. I think if she came to me tomorrow and explained everything I could forgive her, I just dont think its going to happen.

too little, too late

I feel mentally exhausted... and foolish

What I thought was one situation I think now is quite another, the answers to what I want to know laid out right in front of me. I completely overreacted to something so trivial, and it cost me.

.. I dont care

I dont care what happened on Monday. I know its masochistic to say this, but at this point I would take any reason whatsoever. I just want to be able to talk again.

"yep"

I'm a romantic.

I think people dont really know what that means, beyond the stereotypical "he likes sending flower's and poetry" routine. It's a lot more than that. I act aloof a lot of the time, because thats how I would like life to be. I hate the thought that our existance is really revolved around skyscrapers and paychecks and such man-made worries. I hate that people worry about so much in their life that I view trivial, and I hate even more that most of the things are requirements to survive in our society.

And I would hate to one day wake up to my cubicle job, and realize that everything ive tried to maintain, every notion and every dream, to just disappear. It's funny because what I look for in a relationship isnt what everyone else does. I dont think it's so much that I want something that doesnt exist, it just has to be brought out of a situation. And unfortunately I mix such an innocent want of romance with human emotions, like jealousy, possessiveness; and worry. If you watch "The Notebook", you get a story of true love surviving outside pressures and desires. What you dont see is true love surviving inward desires; cheating, seeing more out of life, and the belief that, and while I dont really understand it, the need to see the world is somehow mixed with being single. Now, as I see it, two people experiencing the same events in life would have twice the amount of emotions and interpretations to share about the same situation, hence giving you more for less, so to speak. I know that not many people think the way I do, even the person im interested in, but its just the way I view things. I believe life is that much better with another person, and a thousand moments with someone, growing with them, understanding them, would give you a lot more life experience than the same thousand moments with different people. Variety is the spice of life, but I really dont think hooking up with Clausto outside the Eifel Tower is that much more invigorating than sharing it with a girlfriend or significant other.

This isnt to say that I want to be with the same person forever and ever until the pearly gates, I do plan on dating different people in my lifetime. But at the same time im never going to cut someone off or end something prematurely because I feel like being premiscous or whatever; its left for fate to decide the ending. Love is such a rarity in this day and age. Too many factors limit it, choke it off, lessen it's significance, and the last thing to cut it off should be the person experiencing it. I do think however that once you get as much as you can out of one person, it is time to move on.

I dont know, I'm sick of a lot of things. For a while I didnt mind it if people spared me the truth in turn of me being hurt. now I just want it, the truth. Full out, harsh or not. I want upfront honesty, in the word's of probably every old actor in a film "I'm getting too old for this Shit". I want reality, but I want to shape things my way. I want to be respected for who I am and what I believe in, and not be treated like someone in a musuem exhibit. I may be a rarity but I'm not going to become extinct anytime soon.

That's kinda it. I dont know what im going to find out tomorrow but one things for sure, im not going to hide from it. Hiding is for pussies, and I really dont want to be one of those now do I.

"Brief insight. and a cookie"

So I think I came to the conclusion today that fighting in a situation can actually be quite healthy. My first and only relationship came with the pretenses that I never wanted to fight, ever. But it was that very same thing that caused so many problems for me by the end. In the situation im in now, i'm almost forced to learn how to argue well, and while it may sound masochistic, I kind of like it. I mean, no one genuinely wants anything fight-free. the fights are what makes things so exciting, its the clashing between personalities that keeps people together. I think im a much stronger person than I have been my entire life, which is a good thing because I don't know if I could handle it otherwise.

In other news. diets on day 5 and working quite well. checked scale, lost some wieght. only 8 pounds actually before im done. seems like a lot to me, but when I watched this show on MTV Real Life :Obesity, it definitely set myself in check. I mean, there are people that have to lose hundreds of pounds, and here im stressing over eight? I guess its to scale, I mean I think the closer you are to achieving what makes you happy, the harder it gets.

This summer has the potential to be quite interesting. Possible dating scenario, definite time with my friends. if I can add in a job and some cash to boot i'll be all set.

Oh , and I think I saved my friendship that was on the rocks. thank god. it was over such trivial stuff.

"well spank my ass and call me charlie"

I found an old poetry book from 3rd grade I did for my glass. This is wierd, especially because I dont even remember writing poetry until High School. Makes me wonder if there are a lot of things I dont even remember.

Day 2 of the shake diet. I dont miss food yet, so that's good. Worked out at 8 Am , came home around 10 and slept until 12. aaah, the summer life. I looked at myself in the mirror and I really think this month routine will really improve myself.

So I'm scrapping my old belief system. Yes Szabo, you get the last laugh. My old one was much too romanticized. too, cliche? and especially too prone for me to get jealous or hurt. I think the one I'm working on slowly will help me. I know you cant exactly swap in or out beliefs, especially core ones, i've taken enough socialogy classes to realize that. But its something that I want to happen, so it will. It's funny, I read my old journal the other day and all it was , was me bitching about shit that bothered me because of said above beliefs. well, no need for that anymore. :)

So.
I started a new diet today. Basically just shakes and.. yeah, just shakes. A ton of excersize too, I figure if I do this for a month then I'll get everything set. It's not like i'm overweight, but i'd like to tone everything up and have better confidence. Day one was a little annoying but im told that once you get past day 7 your straight.

Ive been seeing a lot of my friends lately. I also have a friendship on the rocks, which I dont know how I feel about. I mean theres only so much energy I can put into things, and this person wanted 150 percent from me, which if anyone really knows me, is hard for me to do. I think it will heal itself over the summer, but its just annoying that a fallout occured in the firstplace.

I dunno I mean my two best friends are named Joe and Joe. I think at some point ive blown each of them off, and them once in a while too, but I dont think something like that should be taken maliciously. I mean, shit just comes up. Theres always so much to take care of sometimes and before you know it you lose track of time. Obviously it shouldnt be made a habit of , but if it happens sometimes then it happens.

I think this summer im going to make it a point to become more alive. More animated, more eager, more everything. I think im going to need to. I need to understand what its like to take situations with a grain of salt. Because if I dont learn, I'm going to have a rough time with some things. You ever know that somethings coming , a situation that will cause hurt indirectly but in the longrun make you happy? its kind of like that.

eh, tired. more later.

Hey~

wow my first post. well, much more to come. in fact, in about an hour :)