Last night I got angry for no reason whatsoever. And it wasnt a dull anger. I was riproaringly angry and about to explode for a good three or so hours. I cant place exactly why, in fact part of me suspects it's a side effect from one of my medicenes, but I was seriously close to just losing it. I think I am just so fustrated with everything. I miss a relationship, but I know im in no state to have one. I wish I could tell everyone how I exactly felt, which I did for the most part, but I still think that it wasnt enough. I like being sarcastic but I miss being sincere all the time. I like being realistic but I miss my old naive self. I feel like theres two sides to me. I feel like I've finally accepted so many truth's to this world, but then theres a part of me that just cant let go of the fantasies I used to be known for. The "hopeless" romantic side that lingered even after high school was crushed to smithereens, and now its just a bitter mirror of realizations.
Who can I really blame it on either? When it comes right down to it, myself. Sure, I can say that my ex picked apart my illusion of what having a girlfriend would be like, little by little. I can say that my experiences with girls havent been the best. I can even say that up until recently I just never really knew how to handle women. Or maybe I just constantly go after the 'wrong' girl. Women themselves tell me how other women are bitches, maybe theirs really something to that. Its said women become bitches because guys become assholes, but who struck first? Is this really going to carry into my 20's,
Lately, my experiences with girls on the friendship level have been great. And I should feel content. I'm not attacking anyone who reads this post, specifically. I just feel utterly fustrated. More on this later.
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