Wont you be an outlaw for my love

Theres a saying out there in this world that if somethings meant to happen, it will. And if it doesnt happen, it just wasn't meant to be. I both love and hate that saying. I hate thinking that something just might not meant to occur in my life, especially if I want it so bad. Everything thats occured so far to me has definitely dictated that everything happens for a reason, but sometimes thats just so fucking aggravating.

I'll be honest. I'm lonely. I just want someone to cuddle with and be close to, but I also realize that I really need to focus on my life and that all that stuff can wait, but in the heart of winter when your sitting by yourself at night, that realization can be easy to forget. It's so easy to sit up thinking of a situation in your head, playing out the thousands of possibilities the next six months have to offer. And then I hate life for forcing me to be patient in some area's, and then I hate myself for waiting this long to get serious about my future. I keep thinking, if I had done everything like I had supposed to, this wouldnt be happening right now.

I also hate life because sometimes its unfair to people who deserve it the least. My friend John who has had such a rough last six months, is one of the better guys in this world and he totally didnt deserve an ounce of the shit that was thrown at him. I really hope that this next year he finds happiness and things start going in his favor.

My sister who has made a lot of mistakes in her life but has always bounced back, she has gone through more rough spells than anyone I know, and why? How is it that some people seemingly have a smooth sail through their existance, totally dont appreciate it, and end up wishing they hadnt fucked up opportunities given to them. Then theres people who do everything right, are the "nice guy" or "nice girl", constantly have it hard, and just deserve better.

Christmas is a time for giving and being thankful for what is in your life. And what is in my life?

An awesome group of friends
A spring to look forward to
The whole rest of my life ahead of me
The realization of everything listed above

So, when it comes right down to it, if I had to change anything I did since June, it would probably be.. nothing. If theres the mere possibility I wouldnt be in the same mindset I am in now, I wouldnt exchange it for anything. Even if I could take back all the shit that happened to me in August and September, or all the moments when I made the wrong decisions, or focused too much attention on the wrong people. If I had to give advice to someone, here and now, it would be to never become a cynic. It's your life to appreciate and live, dont spend it sarcastically taking apart someone elses.


I'm out. peace